Tell Me I'm Not Crazy
by amberpire
Summary: I want that silence again, and I want her eyes looking at me again like I'm not psycho. Even though I am. It's nice not to be reminded. ;Cat/Tori;
1. Chapter 1

**(Cat's POV)**

People tell me I'm crazy all the time, so I'm not really sure why I'm so upset right now. Maybe because Jade is scary and meaner than most people.

The bathroom floor is cold. And I know it's gross to have my cheek to the linoleum floor of a girl's bathroom, but I don't care. I can cry here. It's after school hours and the only people left are the teachers. If they come in, I'll stand up and brush my hands through my hair and walk out like I just peed because that's what people do in bathrooms. Jade won't find me here, she has much better things to do. Calling me 'a crazy person in desperate need of confinement' isn't the most fun thing Jade can think of.

I mean, I know I'm not exactly 'there', but it's not my fault. At least, I like to think it's not. False optimism is hard to muster, but I think I do a good job of it. And my thoughts are kind of all over the place but it's mostly a distraction and my mom says I need medication but I'm not worth the money.

See? I got lost there for a second. That happens sometimes. I get lost in my thoughts that jump from place to place and somehow I'm in a totally different place than where I started but I think that's probably because I don't _want _to be where I started.

I was talking to Robbie and he doesn't laugh at me like everyone else does. He's nice to me. Even his puppet, Rex, is kind of nice to me, even though the whole doll thing hitting on me is weird. I like the strangeness of it, though. I like strange things.

Anyway, I was talking to Robbie about the ballet class he's taking because he thought it was full of girls but actually there's only one. I was laughing with him and I said, "I bet you look fabulous in pink. Pink is my favorite color. It's the color of my underwear! Actually, it's the color of all of my underwear." And then I noticed a strand of hair in my eye and I picked it up and examined it like I had never seen it before and I said to Robbie, "Maybe I should dye my hair pink like my underwear!"

I didn't know Jade was walking by. I don't say much when she's around. She scares me. She's got the eyes of a hawk or maybe something even more vicious than that - a mountain lion. People instinctively shrink under them because it's like she can _see _the color of your underwear or something. It's freaky. She's freaky.

She paused next to Robbie and I and Robbie turned toward the locker like he was trying to hide but I just looked at Jade and smiled. "Hey, Jade! I like your scarf." I actually didn't, but I said it anyway. It was purple and it had silver, sparkly skulls on it. I mean, maybe I would have liked it if someone else was wearing it, but Jade makes everything she wears look like if you tried the same outfit, she would set you on fire. There's actually a rumor that she _did _set someone on fire, some girl that was hitting on Beck, but it was never confirmed by Jade. Or denied.

She curled a lip at me like a dog does to another dog and she flicked her brown hair at me and put one hand on her hip. I know this stance, it's the same one my mom does when she's about to yell at me. Jade's eyes, which are framed by far too much dark make-up that make them look bruised, crawl up and down me like she's trying to decide if I'm worth slamming into the locker. She's so mean, I've seen her do worse things to people have done nothing but look at her. She finally meets my eyes but I haven't lost the firm smile on my face because, I don't know, sometimes my emotions don't line up with my thoughts very well.

"Are you mentally challenged?" She scoffed and twitched her hair again. Finally, my smile fell, and I stared back at her with my hands on my hips.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shot back at her. I say that a lot. Sometimes I'm not sure what people mean. I'm not good with sarcasm or anything.

"You must be," she continues, laughing. "You're a crazy person, Cat, in _desperate _need of confinement. You're aware of that, right?"

I stare at her for a while and take a step back until I meet the lockers. "I'm not crazy."

Jade laughs again and shakes her head. "Crazy people don't know they're crazy and definitely wouldn't admit it. I heard your mom sent you to the loony bin when you were a kid, is that true?" She's smirking at me now and I don't like it and I want to tear her lips right off of her pretty face.

I don't say anything because maybe if I don't confirm it, she won't believe it all the way. I mean, it is true. I was in a children psychiatric hospital when I was a kid, but I was really messed up then and I'm better now. I'm much, much better now. I think.

She snorts and starts walking away again. "Thought so." That's all she says and then she's out the door and for a short, weird moment I wish I was her. I wish I had normal thoughts because I know she has them. Everyone does but me.

"Cat," Robbie says next to me and I look at him with surprise. I forgot he was there for a minute. "Are you okay? You look like you're about to cry."

"Don't be silly." I smile and I know it looks a little manic because Robbie doesn't look assured by it like I wanted him to be. I laugh and touch his shoulder. "I'm fine. I have to hit the ladies' room before heading home, though, so I'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Robbie!" I spin on my heel and hum as I skip away. I don't really feel like humming or skipping but my feet do and faking happiness is a specialty of mine.

And I'm still here. I think it's been an hour maybe, I don't know, time doesn't really have a substance when your thoughts are all excited and ricocheting off the walls of my head. It's not like it matters. I have a phone but my parents won't call because they like my sane brother and not their crazy sister. Daughter. Daughter.

The door squeaks open. I sit there for a second until I realize my earlier plan of just standing up and getting out. I smile in practice and then I'm up, rubbing my cold cheeks to make sure the evidence of my crying session are gone. I smile at the door and when I step out I'm laughing. Standing at the mirror with her back to me and fixing her lip gloss is Tori.

She looks over her shoulder and raises her eyebrows, smiling. Tori's actually very pretty. Jade says she's ugly but she's not. Tori's got this long, pretty brown hair like chocolate and her skin is like lighter chocolate. I like chocolate and I like that Tori reminds me of it. She's all snug in this black skirt and a heavy green top that slides over one shoulder. I reach out and touch her shoulder and she just kind of watches me in silence. I think she's used to this, these things I do without really thinking about them. I curl my finger around her shoulder and finally look up. "Hey, Tori. You look really cute today. Don't worry, I didn't pee, so don't think I have germs or anything. Why are you still here?"

She laughs and doesn't even move away from me like most people do. "I was about to ask you the same thing." Tori had a kind of deep voice compared to mine but I liked it because it was like she was always stuck in flirty, sex mode or something. I'm probably the only one who thinks that, though. She leans against the sink and I take my arm back and hold it with the other, shrugging and still smiling at her. When I don't say anything, Tori coughs and straightens her back a little. I made an awkward silence on accident. I do that a lot. "I stayed after to help Mr. Sikowitz. Apparently we're doing a session tomorrow on how to act like the opposite sex." Tori frowns. "I had to fit Sikowitz into a wedding dress. I'm ... a bit disturbed by the image."

I laugh and she chuckles and then she raises her eyebrows at me again like she's waiting for something but I forgot what it was.

"Cat, why are you here?" She laughs when she says it but I don't feel offended like I would have had it been Jade. "If you were in the stall and didn't pee, what were you doing?"

I look over my shoulder because I kind of forgot what she was talking about. "Oh," I say, twirling around to look at her again with a smile that cracks my face in two. "I do some of my best thinking in the bathroom."

Tori just smiles at me and shakes her head a little bit. She thinks I'm weird, I bet, so I ask her, "You think I'm weird, don't you?"

Tori laughs again and she has a really pretty smile and plump lips and straight, white teeth like piano keys. Maybe that's why she's such a good singer, better than I could ever be, because she has musical instruments in her mouth.

"Yeah, I do," she says with another laugh, reaching out with her hand all warm on my cheek and she leans forward. I don't know what happened then, it's like all of my other thoughts went away for a second and it was just Tori there. There was silence in my head, like total silence, no thoughts running in the background. I even forgot about Jade for a second. I focus on Tori's mouth when she starts talking again, and she says, "But I like that about you, Cat."

She steps away from me and her hand is gone. The thoughts start buzzing again but I try hard to focus on her and I'm actually succeeding. "I like you too, Tori. We should hang out sometime, you know. One on one."

I feel like I'm asking her on a date and maybe I am. I want that silence again, and I want her eyes looking at me again like I'm not psycho. Even though I am. It's nice not to be reminded.

She nods. "Yeah, we should." She studies me for a moment like she's deciding something and I hope it's not whether or not she's going to actually follow through with that. "Busy Saturday? You could come over for a girls' night. You and me."

"I'm not busy." I'm never busy.

"Great." She grins again and explosion of noise that sounds like a circus comes from her pocket. I love the circus. It's all over the place, like me, and I like that a lot. I'm thinking about elephants and clowns before I realize Tori is already off the phone and smiling at me. "I've got to go, Mom's here. I'll see you tomorrow, Cat, and we'll make the rest of those plans, okay?"

"Okay. I told you that you look cute today, right?"

"Yeah, you did. Thank you. So do you. Very cute." She winks at me and it's really, really cute and I don't know how to take it but I _know _how I want to take it. If you know what I mean. And then she disappears out the door and I smile after her before grinning into the mirror.

Tori doesn't think I'm crazy, and that's all that's important. Tori is better than Jade. Way, way better.

* * *

This will probably be a very long, multi-chaptered Tori/Cat fic. I hope you enjoy it!** Please leave reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

**( Tori's POV )**

Oh man.

These people exist? She belongs on a magazine. I've always thought that about her, ever since I saw her for the first time - that long ruby hair and skin like milk and holy cheese those _legs _-

_Alright, Victoria, that is enough of that._

I cough, straighten, and run a hand through my hair. I can't let my thoughts stray like that anymore. Had I already forgotten the torture at my old school? The taunting nicknames? The harassment? How they manipulated my last name into Tori _Vag_?

Yeah, not the best moments of my life.

I'm trying not to look at Cat across the hallway by focusing on my reflection in the door of my locker. I smooth my lips, tuck my hair behind my ears and then let them fall out again, run my thumbs under my eyes, pluck at the front of my dress to make sure there's some cleavage but not too much - God forbid I pick up the reputation of a whore on top of everything - and I just really want to impress Cat because the girl is gorgeous.

I shake my head. _Stop it, Tori._ I stare at my reflection, brown eyes glaring right back at me. I can't go through that again. What if the information ended up in the wrong hands, like _Jade _for goodness sake? She would spew that all over the place and I would be running out of here as fast as I possibly could. I'm lucky enough Trina hasn't said anything yet. I have to be careful around her. I have to make sure I never set her off because the first thing she'll do is run up to a group of kids, point me out, and say in a very raised voice, "See her? She's gay."

I don't need that. Not again.

I glance over again to see Cat striding towards me. My heart hammers and I cough again, throwing her an easy smile and leaning against my locker. Like always, she's smiling, the gesture both bright and a bit sad, like she doesn't know how to form any other expression. I know she's sad and that worries me. Cat is so sweet. And really, really beautiful -

"Hey, Tor," she says, her back on the lockers, books folded in her arms. "How are you? I'm so hungry. I woke up late and didn't have time to eat any of my Booberry."

I laugh. I've yet to meet anyone as spontaneous as Cat. "I'm hungry, too. Only managed to catch an apple on the way out."

She furrows her brow, rubbing her stomach with a slight frown. Then, gradually, her face begins to brighten, a smile tugging its way slowly up her mouth. "Tori." She turns so quickly she nearly drops her books, dark eyes expressive and excited beneath thick lashes. "Let's skip!"

"Down the hall?" I raise an eyebrow.

She scoffs, laughing. "No, let's skip. Like, leave school." She thrusts a hand behind her toward the doors. "There's a donut shop across the street. Delicious, I promise you. C'mon." She throws her books into my still open locker as I stutter and try to object, but in a fluid second her hand is gripping mine and tugging me forward. "One day isn't going to destroy your record, Tori. C'mon, please?" She smiles up at me as she walks backwards. The first bell is about to ring, kids are milling about us and barely paying attention.

"But, we have class -"

"One day, Tori."

I knew she was impulsive - this is Cat we're talking about - but I don't know, running out of school with a beautiful girl holding my hand when anyone could be watching, when anyone could see -

I look at her again and she's pouting and, man, you can't say no to that. Her eyes are classic puppy-dog, her lower lip thrust forward so much it's all but swallowing her upper lip. I open, close my mouth, open it again, and finally let my shoulders sag with a laugh. "Okay. Let's skip."

She squeals, squeezing my hand before turning and all but sprinting out of the doors. The bell for first period sounds just as they swing closed.

-x-

"Don't think I'm fat, okay? I want two chocolate filled donuts. The long kind." Cat releases my hand to dig into her pocket, pulling forth a few crumpled bills. "What do you want, Tori? I'll buy it." She looks over her shoulder and grins at me.

I'm still nervous, twitching, looking out the window at the school across the street. Cat and I should be in Mr. Sikowitz's class right now, dressing up like men and acting like them -

Well, I already have the thoughts of men. Regarding women, anyway, so I should just give myself a mental A+.

I finally shake my head at Cat, stepping forward with my hand in the pocket of my jeans. "I can buy it, Cat, I have money."

She shakes her head and reaches down, patting my pocket. Immediately, a wave of warmth floods from her hand to, er, well, places, and I jump slightly as she pulls her hand away. "I said I'll buy it." She turns back to the pimpled cashier boy and slides a ten across the counter. "She wants the same thing I'm having. And a strawberry slushie! Do you make those at eight in the morning?"

The boy, who, despite looking like he might be in college, has terrible acne, turns and grumbles a reply as he fishes for our donuts. Cat hums, snatching two straws from the nearby dispenser and a handful of napkins, turning toward me with another smile. And I feel nervous about skipping and I feel nervous about being here with her right now, but that smile is just - you just can't look away. Trust me.

"Don't look so scared, Tori, everyone skips once in a while." She beckons me forward with her handful of napkins and proceeds to walk backwards toward the side window. The tables lined up there are tall and small, a 'couple' sized table. She climbs on the tall chair and I follow suit, watching her carefully across the table.

"I've never skipped before," I admit softly, smiling despite myself. If there was anyone I would want to skip with, it would be Cat.

"Really? Lame, Vega, Lame. I skip every few months." She rolls her nails on the counter and turns to glare at the boy working behind the counter. The donut shop is quiet and empty, the radio playing country above our heads.

"With who? Robbie?" I had always assumed they were together somehow. Maybe not officially, but sometimes things didn't need a title. It was obvious to everyone that Robbie had a thing for the red-haired beauty.

_Tori. Stop it._

Cat laughs as the boy comes toward us with a scowl, juggling four donuts and a strawberry slushie. "Thank you!" Cat says with a beaming smile, bouncing in her seat as she plunges the two bended straws into the concoction. She doesn't answer me right away, simply sips for a while with her eyes rolled to the ceiling. "No," she finally says, pushing the drink across the table and into my hands. "By myself."

And that smile she always wears, the sadness behind it is really starting to show.

"Why? Robbie likes you."

"That's a bit of problem. I don't like him, not like that. I mean, he's cute, in a nerdy, I-carry-a-puppet-around kind of way, but I don't like boys -" She freezes, coughs, and picks up a donut smothered in chocolate. "I don't like boys like him, I mean."

I shift in my chair, taking a sip from the slushie out of the straw she had not already claimed. "What kind of boys do you like, then?"

"I don't know." She shrugs, like she had never thought about it before. She lifts her eyes and stares at me, smile still dominant on her face. "What about you, Ms. Vega? What kind of boys do you like? Andre? Beck?"

I laugh, shaking my head as I chew a bite of my donut. "Neither, thank you." I swallow, leaning back in my chair. My nerves are falling away the more Cat talks. School seems pretty insignificant right now. "Even if I did like Beck, Jade would kill me. I actually don't like any boys right now." The hidden meaning in those words were obvious - to me, anyway - as I raised my eyes across the table to Cat.

Cat grinned back at me and I noticed with surprise that both of her donuts were gone. I sat up, brow furrowed. "Did you taste your food, Cat?"

"Kind of." She laughs and pats her stomach with a sigh. "I feel much better now."

We're both chuckling as I finish my donuts and we sip at her slushie and at least here, in this empty donut shop, I don't have to worry about Jade or Trina or anyone else watching us.

Because this can be innocent. This can just be friendship.

For now.


	3. Chapter 3

**( Cat's POV )**

Tori is really very pretty, and that's all I can think of right now.

I mean, until you're alone with her and she isn't talking, you notice how the lines of her face make every expression beautiful, even the sad ones, and you notice how her eyes are bright no matter what, and she's always breathing in sharply like she's about to say something, but she doesn't, and you're just kind of sitting there watching the lines of her face manipulate into every beautiful expression no one can paint and waiting for her to speak.

We've left the donut shop and we're going down Runson Avenue with our arms linked and it's not holding hands but I want it to be, which is weird, because Tori is a girl. I've only held hands with one boy in fourth grade and the next day he threw a rock at me and said I was loony. I haven't had the best experiences with anything romantic, I suppose, but it's never really bothered me before.

But I'm watching Tori as we're walking and she looks scared, the lines in her face tight and her eyes uneasy. I don't know why. I skip all the time and the only one who ever notices is maybe Robbie, if I'm lucky. Rex always knows when I'm gone.

Creepy, weird little puppet.

"You look stressed, Tori." I squeeze her arm with mine and beam up at her because smiling is something I'm good at it, especially when the gesture isn't forced. "Don't be. Skipping isn't the end of the world."

Tori turns and smiles and at first it's kind of fake and I frown back at her. Unwinding my arm, I cross my own over my chest and stop in the middle of the sidewalk. The traffic is thin if existent at all, and the clouds above us are swollen and heavy and gray. "You can go back if you want, Tori."

I know I'm weird to hang out with. People hardly, if ever, do. My own family can hardly stand my presence and that's something I've learned to accept. I mean, the sun still rises every day, and that's something to smile about. But Tori didn't have to fake it. If she wanted to go back to school and sit in front of those teachers surrounded by those kids, then she could. She's talented and that school is going to take her places. Me? I have a nice voice, but nothing people would pay money for. Tori _should _be at school, really. She can learn and grow and become something and take that hidden talent and make it something. I'll float through school and I'll just be a picture in the yearbook.

Tori's eyebrows fly up and then she's fluttering her hands about, shaking her head. "No! Cat, that isn't, it isn't you, really." She smiles again and this time it's more believable as she places her hands on my elbows. I turn my eyes up and watch her and the lines of her face. "I'm just nervous about getting caught, or getting in trouble."

I'm smiling without me thinking about it and I nudge her forward, shaking my head. "Everything that's fun, Tori, could result in you getting in trouble. That's why it's _fun_." I laugh, nudge her again, and prance ahead of her, swinging my hand out to spin around the pole of a stop sign. My head is back and my eyes are closed now, humming, feeling the vibrations of my too constant thoughts ricocheting in my skull, over and over. "Loosen up, Tor. You see better that way."

I don't know what I just said or why I said it. Almost everything I say works out that way. Sometimes I think I say colorful things, but everyone around me turns them black and white and calls me crazy.

If crazy means color -

"I like you, Cat."

I open my eyes and jerk them over to her. I had forgotten she was there, just for a minute, because that's what happens when I close my eyes for too long. I freeze on the stop sign and grin over at her, standing under the bruised sky with a bright yellow dress on and it's like my life is a storm and she's the sun.

See? Pretty things. I can think of them sometimes.

"Really," Tori continues, walking toward me with a smile that shows all of those piano-key-teeth. She puts one hand on the stop sign pole and swings around until her chest hits my back. I laugh, turn, and look at her, holding the pole by both hands. A rumble of thunder like God's hunger rolls above us but neither of us look up; she's still watching me and I'm watching her and she's more interesting than any weather phenomenon. "You're probably the most - unique person I've ever met."

I'm smiling even though I don't really like being called unique, and I turn my eyes away for a moment, toward the sidewalk. "People tell me that when they're trying not to be rude."

"I'm being honest, Cat."

"Tell me I'm not crazy, then." I turn back and her eyes are kind of wide and I know she wasn't expecting that, for me to say that, but I don't think when I say things at all, really. "Everyone thinks so."

Her lips purse out and she shakes her head, waves of brown hair sliding over her chocolate shoulders. "I don't."

I stand there and just stare at her because the sincerity in her big candy eyes is something I've never seen before. It's more than any judge that has told me I sing like an angel or any old woman I've assisted across the street that thanked me, and it's more than someone on TV telling me how special I am because this is Tori, and she doesn't think I'm crazy.

The sky cracks above us and a splat of water smacks my nose. I blink and we both look up, our hands rising simultaneously to cover our heads. I glance quickly down Runson and hum for a moment, reaching out and snagging Tori's free hand just as she was about to mumble something about going back to school.

"I know where we can go." I grin at her and watch her hesitation and the raindrops creating little wet circles in her yellow dress. She frowns, looks over her shoulder, then the sky, then back at me. I smile and give her a tug of encouragement. She's making some kind of choice I can't see and for a short, terrifying moment I think she's going to take a step back and I don't know why that tears me up under my ribcage but it does.

But Tori doesn't. She finally reflects my smile back to me and I'm tugging her on the sidewalk, sprinting to the park.


	4. Chapter 4

**(Tori's POV)**

I'm not the type to skip. I've never skipped in my life. I always associated it with people who go behind the school building and smoke and make plans to vandalize cop cars or something. I never thought that girls like Cat, girls that are both sad and happy at the same time, would just not show up.

She's squeezing my hand as we sprint through the rain. She's laughing, except it's not the same laugh she's usually exuding; it's this bell-like, charming sound and it isn't manic or forced. She's enjoying herself. And I'm laughing too, and even though the school is looming behind us only a few blocks away, it feels like there's an ocean between us and it and I just want to keep running with Cat holding my hand.

Our feet slap against the damp sidewalk and I don't know where we're going and I don't care much, but I ask anyway. "Where are we going?"

"A place," she says over her shoulder, ruby hair dark under the rain. She suddenly jerks me to the left and I stumble after her, my feet now on soaked woodchips. I glance up through my dripping eyelashes at a castle made of bark, piercing the gray sky and the twirled tower is a rainbow of different colors. I can only admire it for a few moments before Cat yanks me inside into the dark interior, away from the crying sky.

"I used to come here a lot when I was a kid," she says, releasing my hand and twirling in the center of the tower. I look up and around the walls and they're covered in crayon drawings, childrens' scribbles and names and dates, a heart with two sets of initials in it. "It's quiet and dark and the other kids were afraid of me." She says that with a laugh and there it is again, that sharp sound that I know comes from some dark place inside of her. I turn my eyes on her to watch as she traces a scribbled drawing of a girl with a green triangle dress.

"Why were they afraid?" I slip my hand over the back of my dress and sit on the circle of dry woodchips.

She shrugs, humming as she begins to trace each drawing. "I'm not sure. I think it might have been because I talked to myself all the time." She crosses her legs and spins as she sits, her knees meeting mine in the small, enclosed space. "I was really kind of crazy back then. And now. And tomorrow." Cat tapped her lips with her fingertips, turning away from me to gaze out the oval opening into the pattering rain outside.

"I already told you, Cat. You're not crazy." I smile at her but she doesn't look at me and I reach out, touching her knee. She flicks her eyes at me, brown orbs searching for something in my face but I don't know what to show her. And she's so damn pretty, in the shadows of this place. "You're different and wild."

"Jade thinks I'm a lunatic."

"Jade is a heartless, cold, demonic creature from Hell." I raise my eyebrows at her as if this is a well-known fact and finally Cat breaks into a tight grin, shrugging her shoulders in acceptance. "Besides, who cares about Jade?"

Cat shrugs again, turning her attention back to the rain. "I don't know. Everyone makes her out to be this incredible, beautiful person. But you're much prettier, Tori." She turns back to me with a wide smile that makes my heart stutter and abuse the bones of my ribcage.

"I - thanks, thank you." A blush is rushing up my tanned cheeks which I try to hide by ducking my head away from her. "You're pretty too, Cat. Much prettier than you know."

"My hair is magenta."

"It's a plus." I lean forward and pat my hands on her bent knees until she looks at me, brown eyes full of nothings I want to know. "Tell me a story."

Cat purses her lips, head tilting slowly. "Can it be scary and sweet?"

"It can be anything."

Cat touches her chin in thought, leaning toward me as she hums. Her eyes are a strange shade of brown, somewhere between almonds and tree bark. "Once upon a place, there was a girl. Her name was Tori and she was some kind of Latina."

I laugh, sucking my lower lip between my teeth to suppress a giggle. "Perhaps she was Mexican?"

"Perhaps." Cat rolls her eyes to the ceiling. "Tori was beautiful and talented and never knew it until she started attending - Magic School."

"Am I at Hogwarts?"

"Shush, I'm telling a story. Tori." She laughed behind her fluttering hand. "At Magic School, there was a troll. A big, scary, mean, ugly troll. Her name was Jade and she fed on nightmares and tears. One day, a poor, pathetic little kitten, named Cat, was being tortured by the ugly troll. Suddenly, Tori bursts through the doors in a speedo and a cape -"

"Cat!"

" - and smashes the troll with her mighty fist of do-good and the troll turned into worms which Cat proceeded to digest. The end."

I'm laughing, hiding behind the back of my hand as Cat beams in obvious pride. "What about the happy ending?" I lean forward again and even though I know I'm about to push it, to push against boundaries that I don't know the strength of, I want to. "There wasn't any falling in love and running into the sunset."

Cat furrowed her brow. "Want me to include Andre? Beck?"

I stick out my tongue and shake my head in disapproval. "No. How about - how about Tori turns the kitten into a person and they -"

" - and they fall hopelessly in love and tie the knot on the remains of the defeated troll!" She thrusts a hand into the air, laughing. I'm not sure if she caught what I was getting at, but apparently it doesn't bother her what the intention was. She nods, shaking her fist. "I should write books."

"I would buy them."

"You'd probably be the only one."

I laugh and sock her shoulder, her hand curling around my arm and tugging me forward. I yelp as she crashes back on the woodchips, my legs awkwardly tangling with hers as I rest on her chest. She simply beams at me and her eyes are mischievous like she was planning that. I stick my tongue out at her again, chuckling behind it and she abruptly leans up and I don't know what's happening but oh my good Lord,_ did Cat just lick my tongue_?

I quickly close my mouth and the tip of my tongue where her's met mine is warm. She's laughing, reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ears. "You make funny faces, Tori."

I open my mouth but only a stuttering noise comes out, and I stare down at her with her ruby hair all tossed about her face with pieces of wood stuck in it and she doesn't seem worried or embarrassed and my heart is trying to fight its way out of my chest.

"Yeah, well -" I start, swallowing hard and finally grinning down at her. "You're just funny."

And she laughs and I laugh and I roll off of her, still glued to her side. I comb the woodchips out of her hair and her eyes close. I drape my arm over her stomach, carefully, slowly, feeling the rise and fall of her chest on my arm as she smiles. Her hand touches my arm and I close my eyes and I doze.


	5. Chapter 5

**(Cat's POV)**

I don't have pretty girls glued to my side very often, so I'm not entirely sure how I should be acting right now. Not that I ever behave normally anyway, but I think this is something I really shouldn't mess up.

I turn, slowly, to watch her. Tori. Eyes closed, black eyelashes like spider legs falling on her cheeks. Brown-black hair tousled about her face, her pretty face, her smooth, perfect little face.

I think she's sleeping.

I'm finding myself unusually focused. Her skin is on mine. The woodchips are uncomfortable but I don't want to get up. It smells like childhood. It feels weird not having irrational, less-than normal thoughts. I'm used to crazy fantasies or one thought morphing into something completely different or calling myself by a different name or forgetting where I am. Who I am. What I am. I'm used to my brain being a kaleidoscope of thoughts. Colors. Memories. But not here. Now, it's like everything is finally in a straight line.

Tori breathes. In and out. My free hand lifts and moves a chunk of hair from her cheek. Not one flinch.

I feel calm, like I'm no longer trying to think a million things at once. There's just Tori here. Tori and the woodchips and a hundred drawings watching us. That feels almost comforting. I know these face, these faces that I've drawn or watched others draw. In this cone, in this park, in this place, these little reminders of what children used to be smile down at us. I feel protected.

I'm not afraid here.

I remember, when I was eight, I had just returned from the hospital. They said I would - should - 'straighten out' eventually. I was just a little weird. ADD. ADHD. Hyper. Introverted. Chemically imbalanced. My brother told everyone I was a witch. We would go to this park and they would ban me to this little tower. They would throw sticks at me as I told the drawings what I wanted to be. A pilot. Astronaut. Vampire. Iguana. And they smiled back at me like deaf drawings do. Because that's the way it was. I was the crazy kid. I said weird things. I did weird things. I was a weird thing.

And I thought that made me somehow undeserving of good things, but Tori is next to me and she is most definitely a good thing.

I rest my hand on Tori's arm draped over my stomach. It's warm. The rain has softened to a drizzle. Tori's yellow dress has woodchips stuck to it.

This place suddenly holds way more than the space it has to give. I want a hundred of these moments. Tori sleeping on my side with her hot breath on my shoulder. I don't know what we're doing here, but I want to freeze everything and live in this forever.

Because Tori smiles and laughs with me. When she tells me I'm unique, I believe her. When she told me I wasn't crazy, I almost felt sane.

And that's a good feeling.

That's a feeling I want to live in.

I don't know how long we lay there. An hour. Two. I watch the rain. I watch Tori. I watch the drawings and hum to them. Tori's arm tightens around my waist and I move closer, as close as our bodies and physics will let us. Her foot cradles on my knee. She has cute, brown feet. And I know I'll never be normal and maybe I don't want to be, but happiness is something I deserve as much as anyone else.

I am a person. I might be sporadic and a little nuts but I am a human. I have a heart. It's beating with Tori's and that's proof, if anything could be, that I'm alive.

I don't sleep, but I let her. It's cute, the faces she makes whilst dreaming. A scrunched nose. A twitch of the corner of her lips. Her hand curls and uncurls.

And then, I almost missed it. I almost didn't hear it. A crunch. A food cracking on the woodchips. I was so lost in my head and for a few minutes I couldn't remember how to get out. I turn toward the oval doorway. The rain has stopped but the sky is still a heavy gray.

I look at Tori again. I don't want to move because that means risking waking her up and breaking this moment into pieces I can actually see and that scares me to know that movement has that kind of power. I almost ignore the sound. Maybe it's a cat. A bear. A pirate. I didn't care because this, this with Tori next to me, is much more important.

But then another crunch came, another step, and I sit up fast and Tori clings to my waist. She grumbles. But I'm not looking at her. I'm staring slack jawed into the black eyes of a cougar. She's tall and smooth and I know how antelope feel just before they're about to be pounced upon, about to be torn into a meal. The cougar grins at me, cat-like eyes hard like stones for throwing and then she turns and all but prances away.

"What's wrong?" Tori's voice is heavy with sleep. I still don't look at her. I stare at the empty place where she was just crouched, grinning at me. I turn, finally, to find Tori's eyes. She's concerned, one arm still holding me.

"Jade saw us," I say, and the words are sharp and cold and too heavy for my voice.

Her arm moves away and I'm left empty and the horror on her face is so terrible I think I might puke.


	6. Chapter 6

**( Tori's POV )**

"I have to go." I stand and brush the woodchips from my dress. My heart is trying to escape my ribcage and I can already hear the taunts in my head, the teasing and the harassment that sent me running out of that school as soon as I had the chance._ Tori Vag, Tori likes vag, Victoria LickaVag -_

Creative little sons of a -

Cat grabs my wrist as I try to stumble out of the tower and I yank it back. Her touch is too addicting, too much like morphine. If she touches me too much I'll melt into her like I did in the tower and I can't do that anymore, I have to stop this before it gets to that point.

That point when you can't turn around anymore.

"Tori, what's wrong? Who cares about Jade? Isn't that what you just told me not that long ago?"

I'm still walking away from her but she's right behind me. The sun is trying to peek through the clouds but there isn't anything happy or clearing about this moment. I'm scared. Jade is a witch and she has secret powers that I know nothing about. She could ruin my life easier than the girls at my last school did.

"Tori, look at me!"

I stop almost immediately, having never heard such a commanding tone to Cat's voice. I didn't even know she was capable of such a thing. I peek over my shoulder and she's standing there, crimson hair thrown across the pale flesh of her face and her eyes are wide and dark and sad, one hand reaching toward me. I freeze, letting her touch me, my elbow, and keeping my eyes on her chin because those sad eyes are too much.

"Why are suddenly so scared? Why are you running away from me?"

I flinch at that. I don't want to run away from her. But if I stay ... "Cat ... I -"

"Jade isn't - she's not worth you getting all worked up. What could she possibly say? That we skipped school? Big deal!"

I glance up. Cat looks upset, but I don't think she's upset about the same thing I am. Jade saw Cat and I snuggled up in a playground tower. I was practically an extension of her I was so close. I had my own fears, but Cat didn't understand. She thought we were only going to get in trouble for skipping. "No, that isn't what I'm worried about."

"Then why are you running?" She pouts again and my heart lurches. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing!" I'm reaching for her before I can stop myself, hands fluttering to her cheeks. "You didn't do anything. I just - I don't want her getting the wrong idea." I bite my lip and pull my hands away. She looks dazed for a few moments, eyebrows tugging downwards.

"I don't get it. Wrong idea? We weren't doing anything."

I shift awkwardly, rubbing my arm and looking back at the tower. I just want to go back in there. I just want to lay there with Cat again. I just want Cat.

Why can't I have that?

Why do I have to be afraid of wanting that?

I hate everything.

"I'm afraid she'll think we were - that we're something we're not." It hurts saying that, it feels like steel in my mouth and each word slices my tongue on the way out.

She still looks confused. "We're friends, I don't -" She stops, realization dawning on her face. Her lips twist downward and she steps back, hands stuffing into her pockets so far it's like she wants to reach her feet. "Oh. I see what you mean."

"Cat." It's all I say. I thought I had prepared something else, but it left me when Cat's eyes met mine and they were so far away and sad.

"I thought," Cat starts, then laughs in a way that sounds like a sob and I reach out for her again without thinking about it but she moves, twists out of my reach. "I thought you ..."

I shake my head. With each turn of my neck it hurts so much more than words can say. "I - no." And my hands are in fists at my sides and why am I lying? Why am I lying to her right now? Why is Jade more important? But I can still feel them, the stares at my old school, the pointing fingers and the spray paint on my locker and the rolling hips of a boy against mine whose name I didn't even know and saying in my ear, _I'll change you_.

"I have to go, Cat. I have to go home now." I turn and start walking away again, stepping off the woodchips and onto the grass. When I glance over she's right there again, right on my heels, red hair blowing behind her.

"Tori, that is such crap, you were in that tower with me and you were holding me. Friends don't do that, you want me just as much as I want you -"

I spin around and glare at her and as beautiful as she is, she could doom me to the same fate I held in my old school and I can't go through that again. "I don't want you!"

Cat's face goes slack for a moment and there's a fire in my throat and my heart and it hurts. Cat doesn't deserve this and the thing I want do the most is reach out and hold her and tell her I didn't mean anything that I said, that I've never felt so right in my entire life than I felt when I was asleep in that tower and, God, I haven't even kissed her yet -

I am not going to kiss her.

I screw my face up and turn away from her. I can't watch that pain in her face. I can't watch her and know that I caused it. "I'm sorry, Cat. I have to go now."

And she doesn't follow me. And I don't look back. And I walk all the way back to my house, the sun mocking me as I go.


	7. Chapter 7

**( Cat's POV )**

I've been abandoned before. Multiple times. By my brother, my parents, old 'friends'. This isn't new for me, being left behind, being cast aside or replaced. I've been through this. I know this pain.

Only this time, it hurts so much more than all of those other times. Because this is Tori walking away from me.

This is Tori.

_Tori._

I roll over in my bed. My thoughts are never this focused. I don't like it. I want my sporadic, random, nonsense thoughts; the kind that could entertain me for hours in bed while I sit there and do nothing. That's the life I've always had. Go to school, come home, think. Think things that don't matter. Sing. Sing about things that don't matter.

I don't matter.

But Tori does.

I rub my forehead. I'm not crying. I haven't cried. I don't remember the last time I cried. I never let sadness get to me like that. Why would I? I'm crazy. I'm loony. I'm out of my mind. I know that. But Tori made me feel like, just for a few hours, that I wasn't totally insane. That maybe there was something more to me than the fact that I spent a year in the children psychiatric hospital because I talked to shadows and liked to be alone and that there was more to me than just my pretty voice and red hair - that there was more to me than who I've always thought I was.

She told me I wasn't crazy. She fell asleep cradled on my shoulder. She told me she liked me and that I was pretty and those raised eyebrows of her's suggested something else, suggested that there was something else on her mind, something I was too afraid to say. You don't hold someone's waist and not want them like that.

Tori is lying. She's lying to me. This isn't real.

What was going on in the tower - that was real.

She's scared. I'm not. I mean, Jade could ruin my life. So what? What is there left to ruin? What is she going to do, take away the few friends I have? Make people avoid me harder or something? People already think I'm nuts, what's it to them if I tell them I might be interested in Tori?

I press the heels of my hands into my eyes. This is just so beyond what I'm used to. Where was I yesterday? In the bathroom stall with my cheek smashed to the floor. How much lower do you get than that? But that was expected. That was what my life has always been, and then I stepped out and there was Tori, applying lip gloss.

There was Tori, telling me we should hang out.

And we did. And there were sparks. And I don't care what she says, there were enough sparks to light a fire.

She's trying to put it out but it's not going to happen. She said she didn't want me, and those words are still ringing in my head, but she does. She does because I know she does or maybe I'm crazy enough to convince myself that.

I stuff my face into my pillow and relish in how hard it is to breathe there. What am I even doing? It's not like we kissed. It's not like she groped me or anything. But she held me in that tower and there was something in the way she did that like she didn't want to let me go.

What do I want? To see her naked. Yeah. Well, that's a given. But if I never saw her naked and she just told me she did want me, in friendship or otherwise, then I would be okay with that. I just don't want her to be afraid. I want her to let things go the way whatever higher power intended them to.

I want her to tell me that I'm not crazy again.

She's the first person I've ever believed.

-x-

She won't look at me.

She's right there. Just a few desks away. Her back is to me. Her hair is a wave of chocolate and that's all I can see. Jade is on the other side of the room, smirking at me. I meet her eyes and she doesn't move them, just smirks at me. Smirks.

I hate her.

My neck is damp with sweat. My hands are in fists. The fan in the nearby window hums gently and I begin to hum with it, my tone low and soft and following the voice of the fan. We're having a lovely conversation, really. And I'm looking away from Jade and at Tori's back. She won't look at me. She didn't look at me when she walked in, she didn't look at me when I tried to wave at her.

And Jade keeps smirking at me.

She hasn't said anything yet and I only know that because I would have been confronted by now. That kind of stuff doesn't stay a secret long as soon as it leaves Jade's mouth. I hum and hum, not realizing that I'm getting louder as I grow more angry, and the boy next to me nudges my elbow and whispers harshly, "Hey, shut up."

So I do and watch Tori's back in silence while Jade smirks at me from across the room.

The bell rings. Kids hustle and Jade's the first out the door, grinning open-mouthed at me as she passes. I remain in my seat, humming with the fan again. Tori is the slowest, stacking her books slowly and swinging her purse onto her shoulder. She's wearing a dull t-shirt and light jeans, so out of her normal extravagant fashion. I don't know what to think about it. I don't know what to think about anything.

She turns to leave and stops, eyes snapping on me. Her mouth falls open. I try to keep my face free of any emotion, particularly hurt, but I think her expression is reflecting my own.

"Cat," she says, and her voice is empty and far away.

I stand. Pick up my books, my purse, and stare at her for a long time. The teacher glances at us from her desk, eyebrows perked, but doesn't say anything. I start to walk away from my desk and put my back to her, just like she did to me, because even though an eye for an eye doesn't mean anything, it still feels kind of good to make her feel that kind of rejection. I've had it my whole life, but I bet she's never been there.

"No, wait, Cat." Her hand wraps around my wrist and her touch silences all of those other thoughts that go on in my head and it's just Tori touching me. I look back and she seems like she's about to cry. Her hold tightens and I step back, closer to her.

"Are we ... are we still on for Saturday?" She does this smile/frown thing. I can't decide what it is but there goes my heart again, beating furiously in my chest.

If I were sane, I would probably say no. But this is me we're talking about. "Yeah," I say. Tomorrow is Saturday and even though weekends have been empty for me my entire life, I suddenly feel what most kids do when the weekend is coming. "I'll be there at six."

And then I leave her there, with a sigh of relief sagging her shoulders.


	8. Chapter 8

**( Tori's POV )**

"What's wrong with you?"

I snap back to life, not realizing that I had gone pretty much comatose, staring at the blank TV. I whip around, flinging my eyes at my older sister who stands just a few feet behind me, a hand on the slope of her hip. She's staring at me like I'm crazy and - yeah, I feel like I am at this point.

Trina waves a hand. "Well? Are you okay?"

I smile and nod and it's fake, anyone could see that. Anyone but Trina. Trina's the kind of person that doesn't notice much if it doesn't directly involve her. Nothing is as important to Trina as Trina. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just ... bored. Waiting for a friend to get here."

"Which friend?" She collapses on the couch beside me, sighing dramatically as she digs under her nails with a ... mechanical pencil?

Ew.

"Cat." Her name feels foreign on my tongue and for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be using it. I shouldn't be saying it. I'm not deserving of that right. I hurt her. I left her. I lied to her. I cringe and rub my arms slowly, glancing at the clock. Bold, green digital lines tell me it's only 3:00. I have to sit here for three hours and think about what I'm going to say, what I'm going to do, and how I'm going to handle this.

I've been going crazy since Thursday.

I wonder if this is how Cat feels. All the time. Out of the loop and random and out of control. My brain feels like it was set on fire and I don't know how to deal with it. I mean, my brain is anything but normal, but I'm at least used to _some _kind of order. Now it's just Cat and the park and Jade and the park and Cat, rewinding and slow motion and looping, over and over.

"Hello? Tori?"

Trina's hand is waving in my face. I blink and snap back up. "What?"

She scoffs, flipping thick hair over her shoulder. She examines her nails again. "Are you on drugs or something? I asked who Cat was. Is she the popsicle head?"

I frown. "Popsicle head?"

"The one with the red hair." She lifts the pencil to her face and grimaces, then proceeds to wipe whatever gunk was under her nails on the arm of the couch. "The weird, crazy one."

"She's not crazy." I say it hard like I'm verbally throwing stones at Trina and she glances up, surprise in her eyes.

"Jeez, sorry. Don't crack a nut."

Crack a _what_? I roll my eyes and pull my knees to my chest as Trina snatches the remote and clicks on some stupid reality show. One girl is screaming at another girl in a flashing, electronic-bopping club. Apparently, this girl that's so orange she looks like an oompa loompa was all up in this guy's business and I guess he's her property or something because she is just freaking out. I try to focus on this. I try to sit and put myself in their stupid, irrelevant lives for a few minutes. I try to forget Cat for a second and indulge in this pathetic excuse for television.

It's not working so well. Cat's still there, right in the back of my mind. _"Loosen up, Tor. You see better that way."_

_You see better that way ..._

"You're on drugs, aren't you?"

I turn. "What?"

Trina throws her hands up. "Seriously, I'm sitting right next to your for Pete's sake. Look." She turns and twiddles the pencil in her fingers, eyes fierce and holding mine. Trina might be a bit selfish ('bit' being generous here) but she knows me better than most people. She's not afraid of me. "Is this going to turn into another ... fiasco? Do you like Cat like that?"

Surprisingly, Trina isn't too bothered by the way I feel/felt toward girls. I mean, she would use it against me in a second if I made her mad enough, but generally she's pretty okay. She even drove my old girlfriend and I around when we were together. She liked my ex, as much as Trina can like people. She helped keep us a secret.

"I don't want you ruining my reputation."

Okay, her sentiments only go so far.

I sigh and shake my head. "No. I don't think so. I don't know."

She snorts and crosses her arms. "I'm not a moron, Tori."

"I'd argue that point."

"Shut up." She promptly smacked my arm. For Trina's wimpy appearance, she can hit like a man with a rock for a fist. "I know that face, Tori. God." She slaps her forehead and sighs heavily as if all of this is so hard for her. "You're going to mess things up again."

"No, I'm not." I turn my attention back to the TV. Now the oompa loompa is fighting with her boytoy. Lots of screaming. Swear words. And I wonder how people can live like that; how they can be so fake and artificial.

I touch my hair for a moment and close my eyes and rethink that statement. _Fake and artificial ... how people can live like that ... fake_ -

"Just be careful, Tori." Trina touches my arm and the gentle touch surprises me. I lift my eyes to her and study that equally tanned face, her expression struggling to morph into one of concern. I know she loves me in as unique way she can, but come on - this girl has a flippin' _birthweek _instead of a birthday. She can only love someone else so much. "You were so - torn up before and it was hard ... and I don't want that to happen to you again."

"Wow, Trina. You have feelings." Despite the sarcasm, I'm working really hard to keep my voice steady. She shoves my shoulder and stands, eyes rolling as she walks away from me.

"Bundles," she says and disappears into the kitchen, humming as she rummages through the drawers.

And I sit there and watch the crappy reality show, the plastic, fake people running about trying to be something less than human. Being less than themselves because they think that's all they can be. It's too hard being themselves, so why not be someone else?

I hold my face in my hands. Who am I?


	9. Chapter 9

**( Cat's POV )**

I count the stars on the bedspread on my mattress. All of them. Even the ones on the other side. I count the little ones, the ones so small they're probably not even considered stars, and I'm halfway down the front before I lose count and have to start over. "One, two, three ..."**  
**

This must be what stress feels like.

I've never really felt that before. I'm so obnoxiously optimistic that things hardly get to me. When you're able to overlook your parents regarding you like they would a rat, that means you're either a) an excellent actress, b) a die hard life-lover, or c) both.

And I've always been both. Because I like living, generally. Death is terrifying and I would like to put that off as long as I can. I've convinced myself that there's something better out there, that there's more to life than the crap I've been forced into and all I have to do is wait long enough for it to come to me. Because it _will _come to me. It has to.

I thought it had, actually.

In the shape of a human girl named Tori.

I lose count again. I go back to the upper left corner and start over. "One, two, three, four ..."

It's stupid that I got so attached. One afternoon. That's it. She told me I was pretty. Big deal. She said I wasn't crazy. My heart squeezes at the reminder and I rub my chest, simultaneously losing count and moving back to the corner. "One, two ..."

This is all so stupid and I have at least some sanity to recognize that. I hardly know Tori. I don't know her middle name or her favorite color or her mom's first name. And it's not like any of those stupid things would help me know Tori as a person any better but they're trivial in a good way and I want to know them like I know my own. Just because.

But there was something in the way she held me in that tower that told me maybe you just _know _and you don't have to do it by steps. Sometimes things just happen.

"190, 191, 192 ..."

I think about going to Tori's house tonight and I feel like I might vomit and I haven't done that since grade school after being dared to eat a hunk of something in the garbage for five bucks. I ate it. I didn't get the five bucks. I was always a gullible, naive child.

I lose count. Start over. It can't really be that scary. I should have said no, though. Any normal person would. But I'm not normal like that and that either makes my decision really good or really bad. And I could easily say that she deserves me not showing up or something but even thinking that makes my stomach twist. Tori doesn't deserve anything bad happening to her. She's sweet and kind and pretty and those eyes are enough to make stone melt -

Wait. Can stone melt?

I leap off my head and all but crash in front of my laptop. Google is a beautiful invention.

Where are my feelings as far as Tori goes? I don't know. I want to think that she wants me in the way I want her. Romantically. Can I even say that? Is there a time expectancy on these kinds of things? I mean, she's gorgeous, yeah, but it's not like we've been friends for a while and we know much about each other ...

But she said I wasn't crazy.

Oh, and stone can melt. At 1500C, according to Wiki Answers.

-x-

I only know where Tori lives because I called Andre and asked. He seemed hesitant to give me the address. "What do you want it for?" he asked, like me going to Tori's was absolutely ludicrous and to which I responded with a furious "What is that supposed to mean? !"

Jeez.

I'm crazy, not a lunatic.

I caught a bus, even though both of my parents were home and neither of them were doing anything. I don't ask them for much. Sometimes I ask for money and they'll blindly toss me a hundred or something. My parents are loaded. I don't like them enough to ask for a ride, though.

I have a duffel bag with me with clothes and bathroom stuff and medicine. My medicine is the only thing my parents pay any attention to when it comes to me. When they talk to me, it's to ask me if I've taken my medicine. I haven't forgotten to take my medicine since I was eight years old. It keeps me level. It keeps me from ranging from one wild emotion to the next.

Pft. And Tori thinks I'm sane.

If she only knew.

I took my medicine before I left and now I don't feel so nervous. I'm oddly calm. I can do this. I can handle being with her again. It might even go better than expected. It might go spectacularly. Or it might end in her kicking me out, telling me she doesn't want me again.

Could I handle that?

I don't know. I handled it once, shouldn't be too hard.

I take a deep breath and let it out in a long hum. The woman next to me scoots over a little bit. God, people just hate me.

-x-

I stand at Tori's door for ten minutes. I know because I'm counting. I'm counting the seconds and how many breaths I take. It's hard, but I've done this before. Frequently.

You get really, really bored when you have nothing to do.

Suddenly, my hand whips out and attacks the door with furious, quick, fast-paced knocks. I don't stop until the door whips open and an older woman with brown hair and eyes just like Tori's stares at me with flustered cheeks.

"Hello! Tori didn't tell me she had a younger sister!" I know it's her mom, but this kind of flattery always wins over parents. The woman laughs and shakes her head, waving me inside.

"Oh, shush. You must be Cat? I'm Mrs. Vega."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Vega. I love your house, it's beautiful." And it is. It's wide and there's lots of windows and, oh, the flowers in the windowsill are so pretty I can't stay over here and not smell them. I drop my duffel bag and hustle to the potted plants, bringing them to my nose. "These are wonderful!"

"I'm glad you like them." Mrs. Vega chuckles and leans up the stairwell. "Tori! Cat's here!"

Tori all but falls down the stairs she runs so fast. She stops at the landing and I turn and look at her, still petting the yellow petals between my thumb and forefinger. She's in a hoodie and jeans and it's so weird not seeing her in prim, expensive fashionista clothes. I feel like I'm seeing a wild animal when it's all alone, when no one's supposed to see it. But she's still beautiful. Her long hair is up. She has a nice neck.

"Honey, we're going to be late if you don't hurry up!"

There's a grumble of a reply somewhere upstairs. Moments later, who I assume to be Mr. Vega emerges from upstairs, nudging his way past Tori. She finally stares at her feet instead of me. Mr. Vega shrugs on his coat and makes his way over to the door, stopping to wave at me. "Hi! You must be Catherine?"

"Call me Cat," I reply with a happy nod. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Vega. Thanks for letting me stay tonight."

"No problem. You two have fun and no boys. We'll be back late, don't eat all of the food!" Mr. Vega winks and begins dancing out of the door. His wife follows close behind, laughing as she shuts the door. I smile after them until I remember Tori is still on the landing and I abruptly snap my attention to her.

I came here. That was the first move.

Now it's her turn.


	10. Chapter 10

**( Tori's POV)**

I thought I had mustered up the courage to look at her. I thought I was stronger than this. But there she is, right there, and I can just barely force myself down the stairs. My cheeks are burning in - what? Embarrassment? Shame?

"Hey, Cat," I manage, even though my voice is hardly above a whisper. My house suddenly seems to small and the air is constricting tight about my chest. I touch it subconsciously and finally find her eyes with my own. She's wearing a blue dress, tight around her thighs, and those pale, smooth legs keep my attention for a while. She shifts them and I jerk my gaze away, to her face, which is watching me with an expression of confusion mixed with something I can't figure out.

"Hey," she replies softly, slipping her purse off the slope of her shoulder and swinging it onto the couch. She slips on the cushioned seat and I follow suit, sitting close to the arm of the couch. It's not like I don't want to be near her. Everything within me is telling me to scoot closer and touch those legs and look in those broken, beautiful eyes. But I don't. I stay right where I am, all but hugging the arm. Because I'm afraid of wanting to touch her.

We sit in awkward silence for a while. I stare at the blank TV. Cat plucks at her dress. The tension is so thick it's choking me and I cough loudly into my hand before I suck in a breath and turn to face her.

"I'm sorry," I say and glare at my hands, picking furiously at my fingernails. "I didn't mean to hurt you and I know I did and I'm really, really sorry. You didn't deserve that. I was being - mean, and selfish, and I'm sorry I lied. I mean, I don't not want you. I do want you. I'm sorry." I slap my hand to my forehead and give a groan of frustration. I suck at communicating.

Cat's hands find my shoulders and push me up a little bit and I lift my eyes to meet hers, deep and dark and brown. Her lips are smiling at me and I'm so undeserving of that but Cat is probably the most forgiving person around. She touches my cheek and her skin is warm and I sigh into it, tilting into her touch.

"It's okay," she whispers, brushing my bangs away with her other hand. I sigh again. With Cat this close, Jade and all of my other fears are pushed so far to the side I can't see them anymore. "I forgive you. I know you're scared."

"I don't want to be scared."

"What, exactly, are you afraid of?"

I've never seen Cat this focused before. It's weird the way her eyes are so settled on me, like I'm the only thing her brain thinks is important right now. Her hands move from my face to my hands, scooping them up and squeezing them, pulling me closer. I scoot across the couch until my folded knees hit her sideways legs. I stare at her dress because I don't know what I'm supposed to tell her - what I _want _to tell her for that matter. I don't like this serious Cat, this down-to-earth, rational Cat. Maybe Cat isn't as off as she thinks she is, though. Maybe there's a deeper understanding in that unbalanced brain of hers.

"I'm afraid of this." I run my thumbs over her hands. "Because -"

"You're a lesbian, aren't you, Tori?"

I choke and look at her, my eyes growing to the size of baseballs. _What_? What did she just say? I open my mouth only for a gurgling sound to come out and I snap it shut, my lips twisting into a frown and a grimace and I try to tug my hands away, but she refuses to let them go.

"Tori! There isn't anything to be afraid of!"

"I don't, I'm not - "

"Oh, you so are. Don't lie to me again."

Her tone is suddenly serious and I glance up, my protests silenced. Her face looks hurt, damaged, and I lose all the fight I had building up inside of me. I look at our hands again. I trust her. If there's anyone in this school - on this planet - that I could trust with something like this, it's Cat. "How did you know?"

"I don't know," she answers honestly, squeezing my hands again. "I just had an idea. But it's not something you should be afraid of. Or embarrassed about. I mean, you could be an axe murderer or something. That's something I'd be upset about."

I laugh and lift my eyes again. She's grinning at me and my chest seems lighter, the room seems bigger. I reached out and wrap my arms around her neck, her own tucking about my waist and she's pulling me into her. I give a small squeal of surprise as she leans backwards, tugging me with her until she's laying down and I'm on top of her, gazing down to her porcelain face and between my legs I'm on fire. My hands tangle somewhere in that mass of ruby hair.

We stay like that, staring at each other. Breathing. Her hands linger on my hips. That smile never leaves her face. And I don't know what it is, that pull that starts in my ribcage, but I like it, and it wants me to lean down, to brush those lips with my own -

She starts to tilt her head up and I hesitate, my body growing frigid in her arms. I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head away. This is dangerous. Dangerous, dangerous territory that I'm stepping in. This could end with me just as busted up as I was before, this could end up with me trying to find another guy to screw me again in my desperate attempt to _change_. It's scary being this person that everyone is afraid of and likes to pick on, it's hard being someone society deems as immoral -

But I don't have the choice to accept or deny, because Cat's hand twists away from my waist and snakes up to my chin, gripping it and forcing it to face her again and her lips mash against mine.

And suddenly, I don't care. In a second, all of my trivial worries are blasted away from my brain and there's only Cat, Cat kissing me with those soft, careful lips and I don't deserve this but she's giving it to me anyway. My hands slide from her neck and coast over her chest and she gasps into my mouth, giving me the perfect opportunity to slip my tongue between her lips and some kind of moan-like sound vibrates my chest. I touch her thighs, to the tight part of her dress and I'm pushing it up because the fire inside of me needs to be extinguished somehow and I don't remember the last time it was like this; mutual, beautiful, something I was unafraid of. I'm slipping up her dress and she's warm and why on earth was I afraid of _this _-

"Tori! Have you seen my hat?"

I gasp and rip myself away from Cat, scooting to the other end of the couch. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are far away, but she manages to tug her dress back down before Trina stomps down the stairs, her plethora of bracelets and necklaces clicking as she descends.

"The straw one with the purple and pink flowers on it, I've been searching everywhere for it."

I flip my eyes over the couch, swallowing hard. For some reason it's hard to breathe and I struggle with my words. "Nope ... I haven't ... I haven't seen it."

Trina, oblivious as always, sighs dramatically and sags her shoulders. "Nuts! It goes perfect with this outfit."

Her outfit looks like the seventies threw up on it, but I don't say anything. Trina walks past us toward the door, waving at Cat as she passes. "Hey. Yes, I'm _the _Trina Vega. You don't have to stare."

I glance at Cat, whose eyes are glued on me. A blush crawls up my cheeks and I turn back to my sister, whose struggling to get her purse over her chunky bracelets. "I'll be back later. Eat my caesar salad in the kitchen and I will not hesitate to murder both of you." She smiles sweetly and wiggles her fingers, slipping out the door.

I release a tense breath through my teeth and look at Cat again. She smiles and I can't help but mimic the gesture, standing up.

"I'll order us something to eat."


	11. Chapter 11

**( Cat's POV )**

"This pizza is _fabulous_," I tell her, grinning as I reach for my fourth - or fifth, I lost count - piece. I shovel the thing in my mouth like I've never eaten before while Tori daintily takes careful bites. I can't take my eyes off of her, and for good reason - the girl's tongue was just in my mouth and her hands were up my dress. I grin at the memory, shifting slightly on the couch. Some silly MTV show babbles on the TV. I never watch television, but this show seems pretty tacky. The girls are orange, for Pete's sake.

"It's my favorite." She turns her eyes to the TV. There's a faint blush to her cheeks every time she talks, a little smile lingering on those lips. I take the pizza box and move it from the middle of the couch to the coffee table in front of us, sliding close to her again. Once you've had close contact with Tori, close, _intimate _contact with Tori, it's pretty hard to stay away. I swing my legs over hers and put my cheek to her shoulder. She's breathing hard but I'm pretty calm, reaching up to toy with her hair. She sets her pizza on the plate next to her and smiles down at me, one hand hesitantly pressing into the small of my back.

"When did you know?"

"Know wha - oh." She blushes again and it's so darn cute, I can hardly get over it. I bite my grinning lips as she looks away. "I'm not sure. I didn't really pay attention until my freshman year when I met this girl."

"What was her name?"

"Callie. She, uh, changed things for me." Her eyes look hurt now, focused on the TV again. I frown. I didn't mean to bring up painful memories for her, that was never my intention. I'm just so curious, curious about the romantic life Tori had before me.

I pause at that. What am I to Tori, anyway?

"What happened?" I ask carefully, then throw my hands up. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I'm just, you know, I just want to know -"

"Cat, it's okay." She laughs, one finger pressed to my lips. I'm definitely shutting up now. "Well, we were together for a while. In secret, of course. Her parents were super religious and I wasn't about to have the whole school turn its back on me. Trina found us kissing in my room one day but, oddly enough, didn't freak out." She sighs, head tilting back against the couch. "And then, somehow, it leaked. I don't know what happened. I know I didn't say a word. And everyone started to shun Callie and I, and her parents found out, and -" she closes her eyes and the pain in her face is too much for me and I reach up, touching her cheek.

"You don't have to tell me."

"I want to." She sighs into my hand and looks at me, gnawing at her lip before continuing. "They sent her to a Catholic boarding school. Callie said she hated me for ruining her life, yadda yadda, she was going to go 'change' herself. And I -" Tori pauses again, taking a deep breath that shudders in her chest. "I tried to change myself, too."

I furrow my eyebrows. How can you possibly change that aspect of yourself? It's not a switch. "How?"

She laughs but it's hard and forced and not meant to be responding to something funny. She shrugs her shoulders and looks away. "It's embarrassing."

"So is a boy wearing pink undies. You can tell me, Tor."

She shifts slightly and looks at me and I can see the hesitance in her eyes but the strength there, too. "I had sex with a guy. At some club I snuck into. It was terrible and I hate myself for it -"

"Oh my gosh, Tori!" I snake my arms around her neck and pull her close. Her body goes rigid with surprise, but in a few moments her arms wrap around me, too. I can't imagine the kind of pain Tori was going through. To to try and force yourself to change? To have sex with a stranger? She could have gotten really hurt. I hold her close because letting her go means that I'll have to see that pain in her eyes again and I can't. I can't see that in Tori. She doesn't deserve that. "I'm sorry you went through all of that. Man, that sure makes other peoples' problems pretty stupid, huh?"

"I won't say they're worse," she replies, leaning back slightly to meet my eyes again. The pain is there and it's unbearable for me to gaze into it, but there's also that beauty and strength that I admire. "But it's okay. I'm getting over them."

"I'll help you," I say cheerfully, leaning forward without a second thought and kissing her again. I feel her grow hard under my hands but the tension melts away, her hands soon finding my thighs. I feel like I'm burning everywhere she touches me and, man, this is why there are sex addicts. I completely understand now. I break apart and I know it's too early because I just want to keep kissing her until my lips grow numb, but I have to ask her something. It's been nagging me since she told me and I have to reassure myself. "Tori," I pant, and holy cow it's hard to breathe suddenly. "Tell me ... tell me I'm not crazy again."

Tori blinks, licking her lip as she shifts herself. Her hands find my cheeks and hold them still, her brown eyes looking into mine. "Cat, you are not crazy."

A spark shoots down my back. I gasp and nod and I'm tearing up because I love hearing her say that.

"You're not crazy, Cat. You're not crazy, you're _not _crazy," and her lips are on mine again and I cry as we kiss. It smells like pizza and girls are screaming on the TV behind us but it's perfect, it just _is _and then I lean back again, snagging her hand with mine and standing.

"Upstairs," I pant, and she all but runs up them with me right at her heels.


	12. Chapter 12

**(Tori's POV)**

We don't pause. Not for a moment.

Once we're in my room the door is swung shut and I lock it. When I turn back to her, Cat's already tugging of her dress. My mind has abandoned everything rational and I all but run to her and help her tear the garment off. It's like I'm in animal mode and all I can think about is getting her naked in my bed, right now. And she's just as eager, pulling off my top and fighting for my lips. My hands snake around her torso and pluck the hooks of her bra. She gasps into my mouth, her hands tightening on my chest and I moan, pushing her backwards and on the bed.

Cat is pale and soft, her cheeks almost as red as her hair as I pull her bra away and she's revealed in a way I don't think she ever has before. And her body is a perfect canvas and I want to cover every inch of it with my lips.

And I do. And I don't think about anything else but Cat on my purple bedspread, naked and bare, open and wet and waiting. And she's better than Callie because she doesn't hesitate or freeze at my touch, she just accepts it for what it is and there's no shame in what we're doing. I taste every part of her, feel my way inside of her, and she's hot and screaming my name when her hips buck against my hand.

She smells good and it's making me dizzy and I'm getting lost in her, lost in a way that makes you never want to be found. And when she rolls me over and kisses me, I don't feel afraid like I thought I would, I just whimper her name as she coasts down my body and I know she's never done this before, but she doesn't seem intimidated at all. I admire that because I was scared out of my mind my first time but I feel special - honored, that I'm the first she's ever tasted. One flick of her tongue nearly drives me over and I can only hold back for a few minutes before I'm squirming on the bed, crying out so loud I'm sure the neighbors can hear me and thank God we're home alone.

The rest of the night is a blur, yet crystal clear. I take Cat to new heights of pleasure and she drives me up the wall and, for a virgin, my God, is she good. It's a world of touch and skin and flesh and feeling and the hours fly past us and I don't know what time it is when we finally collapse into each other, naked, under the covers. We're both sweating and panting and I'm tingling everywhere, the taste of Cat seeming permanent in my mouth. I drag my fingers through her hair and press my lips to her forehead. She falls asleep with her cheek to my collarbone and I sigh, relishing in just what this moment is.

Whatever it is.

-x-

I jolt awake to a fist slamming against my door, over and over, and the jiggling of my locked door.

"Tori! Hel_lo_! Are you dead? If you are, I'm taking your iPhone!"

I say something not so nice under my breath and scramble out of bed. Cat moans as I tug on a t-shirt and shorts, waving frantically at the half awake and totally naked girl in my bed. She just pulls the covers of her head and resumes sleeping. I open the door just a few inches, Trina's face pressed right into the space.

"Finally! Jeez, Tori, you sleep like a rock. Look, have you seen my modeling portfolio? I have a date today with a very famous photographer -"

"What? Why would I know where it is?" I look over my shoulder again. The lump under my blanket grumbles and shifts.

"Because you're jealous of my looks and wish to gaze upon my beauty? Do you know where it is?"

"No, Trina, now would you _please _- "

"Is Cat in there?" She shoves me aside. Her strength is impossible and I struggle against her, but with one nice shove of my shoulders she's able to worm her way inside.

"Trina, get out!" I shove her again but her eyes are around me and on my bed. I glance back and Cat's sitting up, the blanket tucked around her naked chest. She smiles brightly, waving enthusiastically at my sister.

"Good morning, Trina!"

Trina just stares, her jaw setting hard. Her brown eyes flick at me and I swallow hard as if I was just caught doing something terrible. Last night wasn't terrible. It was, cheesy as it is, magical. I shove Trina's shoulder again but she doesn't budge, eyes locked on Cat.

"You should go." Her voice is hard and cold but Cat doesn't react, simply nods.

"Trina, shut up!"

"No, Tori, _you _shut up." She glares again before turning and walking out of my room, shutting the door a little harder than necessary. I spin back to Cat, whose already scooting to the edge of the bed and fighting her bra and panties back on.

"You don't have to go, Cat. Don't listen to her. She's being stupid."

Cat smiles at me but I can tell she's scared now, put off by my sister's attitude. "I thought you said she didn't freak out." She tugs her dress over her head, the fabric wrinkled.

"Cat," I say, moving to her side as she tugs her dress on. "Please, stay."

She pauses, watching me carefully, brown eyes wide and scared. I sit next to her and touch her cheeks, smiling at her as I bring our foreheads together. "Trina is stupid, Cat. Don't listen to her. She's just worried I'm going to, that you're going to hurt me or something - "

"What's that supposed to mean? I would never hurt you!" She clings to my shoulders and I chuckle softly, bringing her closer.

"I know you wouldn't. So let's pretend she was never in here and you can stay here with me -"

An explosion of noise makes us both jump and Cat ducks, reaching for her seizing phone on the floor. She puts a finger to my lips as she flips it open and presses it to her ear. "Hello?" Her face almost instantly loses that teasing look she was giving me, frowning into the receiver. "I told you I was leaving, Mom, you just weren't listening -" She breaks off, holding the phone away from her ear as a high pitched scream screeches through the phone. "I'm sorry, Mom, jeez. Yeah, okay, bye." She slams it closed and pouts. "I'm in trouble, I guess. _Now _they start caring where I go."

She huffs and stands and I find her hand before she makes any more moves to leave. "You have to go? That's crummy."

"Nuts, I know." She leans down and kisses me, just a quick, soft peck before she twirls toward the door. I follow behind her, grinning as she sways down the hall and down the stairs. Trina's in the living room, glaring at us from the couch as we descend. Cat picks up her purse and her duffel bag and waves again at my sister, then turns toward me. She winks and I can't help but grin, laughing as I wave.

"Bye, Cat. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Yes."

With another wave she's out the door and I sigh, smiling as I turn around, though it's soon wiped from my face at the positive death glare I'm getting from my older sister. Trina snaps her fingers and points to the empty space beside her.

"Sit. We have to talk. _Now_."


	13. Chapter 13

**( Cat's POV )**

I don't even care that my Mom called me screaming. I don't care that Trina seemed angry that I was there. I don't care that I'm wearing the same dress I was in yesterday and my make-up is gone and I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday morning. I don't care that it's warm out, I don't care that I forgot to bring enough money for the bus ride home. I don't care that I have to walk several miles to _get _home.

I don't care.

Because last night marks the best day of my otherwise dull, boring life.

I shiver at the memory alone. Tori's hands roaming my body, my lips catching hers, that - that _explosion _of senses when I - when I -

I blush and giggle into my hands. Strangers brushing past me look back and stare and I hustle along, blushing into my hands. It was just so incredible and amazing and every word you can think of that means something good. She was a part of me and there wasn't anything awkward about it and I've never done something like that before and I don't want to do anything like that again with anyone else. I only want Tori to ever touch me again.

My heart flutters. And it was weird, during the whole thing, I didn't think of anything else. Not my starry bedspread or my detached parents, not elephants or how it would be like to fly or what amazing inventions they'll have a hundred years from now, not wondering what my life would be if I was born in a different country, not what the life of someone with no arms must be like or if fairies are real, not how the thought process of dogs work or what I would do if I had three wishes, not thinking about how mayonnaise is made or if a tree falls down at all if no one is around to hear it -

Just Tori.

Nothing but Tori.

And that's odd for me because, yeah, Tori's made me more focused than I usually am, but that focused? That totally, completely shut off from the rest of my thoughts? The ones that make other people afraid of me?

I didn't think it was possible.

I trudge all the way to my house, my purse and duffel bag in hand. There's nothing inviting about my home - it's big and green and there's too much space in it for four people. I nudge open the door with my duffel bag and, man, I'm thankful for central air. It's freezing in here.

It's quiet in my house. In his distant office, my dad clicks away at his computer. I drop my duffel bag in front of the door and swerve through the halls, searching for my mom. I find her in one of the house's bathrooms, applying make-up. She always dolls herself up for no reason. It's not like she ever leaves. My mom is tall and I have her eyes, but her mouth is wide and she's all stern lines and mean faces. Her brown hair is so long it's not pretty anymore, just scraggly and Tarzan-like. She glances at me but doesn't say anything.

"Why did you need me to come home?" I look at her wild assortment of make-up and hair products. She's killing the ozone with hairspray.

"I need you to run some errands - weren't you wearing that yesterday? Catherine, that's disgusting."

I frown at my dress. "Well, I was in a hurry because you were screaming at me."

"Watch it." She stops and glares at me, then gives a short wave. "Get yourself decent and run to the market, there's a list on the table."

This is what my mother and I. This empty, broken thing. I've never really been close to her. Maybe when I was a kid, but after the psychiatric hospital she's always been distant. She's afraid of me. She doesn't talk about to her friends. We don't have heart-to-hearts.

I refuse to let it get to me, though. I just had the best night of my life and no one - not even my mother - is going to ruin that. I take a shower and dress myself in comfortable shorts and a tank top, taking my mom's credit card and the list of groceries. It's noon when I walk out of the house into the baking sun. I glance at my phone. No calls. No texts. I consider texting Tori first but decide that the clingy girlfriend isn't what I want to be.

As I shop, I consider that title. Girlfriend? Is that what I am? Or secret lover? Friends with benefits?

No, I'm most definitely _not _a friend with benefits. I want romance, as cheesy as that sounds. I want someone who will fall in love with every part of me. Even the crazy parts. And then tell me I'm not crazy. Because I would like that, a lot. And maybe Tori is that person and maybe she's not, but I want her to be.

I really, really want her to be.

And I don't want to think about the future like that yet, so I don't. I think about other things. Mainly last night and the way Tori felt pressed against me with her panting breath in my ear, and the way she moaned when I pulled her hair or ran my nails down her back. As I shop for groceries, I think of having sex with Tori Vega and how I would give anything to do it again.

I'm wet by the time I return home and I disappear into my room almost immediately to stuff my hand down my pants and bring myself to an orgasm that's mediocre compared to last night, but it's enough to get me through the rest of the day, which I spend attempting homework and thinking about Tori. I wait for her to call, but even after I've eaten supper ( macaroni and cheese made by yours truly ) she still hasn't called, and I sit on my bed with my math book cradled in my lap and my phone switching between my hands.

She's going to call, I remind myself, and I put the volume on high and put it aside. I try to finish my math, but every few minutes I pick up my phone and check. It's almost nine and I'm getting tired, but she promised she would call. At quarter to ten I'm too anxious to wait and I call her, only for it to ring and ring and lead to her voice mail.

"Hey! It's Tori. Sorry I missed your call, but leave a message and I'll call you back ASAP. Love ya!"

I wait for the beep and inhale deeply, trying to keep my voice from sounding hurt. "Hey, Tori. It's me, Cat. Uhm ... you said you would call, but I guess you got busy. No problem. I'll see you at school tomorrow. But call if you get this before you fall asleep. You don't have to, though. A text is good, too. Yeah, okay. Bye."

I close the phone and hold it, frowning, trying to steady the heavy weight in my chest. I lean over and shut off the lamp next to my bed and burrow beneath the covers, the phone clasped tightly in my hands.

She promised she would call. Why didn't she?


	14. Chapter 14

**( Tori's POV )**

I stare at my phone as it rings. I watch it vibrate and slide across the bed, watch Cat's smiling picture bounce enthusiastically on the screen. So appropriate.

My fingers twitch toward the phone but with great effort, I curl it back and shove it beneath my hip. I can't answer it. I stare and I can feel the burning beneath my eyes as it finally goes to voicemail and not a minute later it dings to tell me she's left me a message. I scramble for the phone and demand it to play, pressing it to my ear to hear her voice.

_"Hey, Tori. It's me, Cat. Uhm ... you said you would call, but I guess you got busy..."_

I close my eyes and bring my knees to my chest, resisting the urge to burst into hysterics. I almost erase it right there, I don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to hear the tangible hurt in her voice. I broke a promise. I hurt her. Again.

_"No problem. I'll see you at school tomorrow. But call if you get this before you fall asleep."_

I wish I could. I want to. I want to call her back and say that time escaped me, that I was busy doing homework or something stupid like that, that my parents decided we were going to go on a surprise family outing - anything. Anything she would believe. I want to call her and tell her I'm sorry and I want to talk to her until she falls asleep on the phone and I want to listen to her breathing and whisper 'Goodnight' to her, and 'Good morning' when the sun rises again.

_"You don't have to, though. A text is good, too. Yeah, okay. Bye."_

She sounds so hurt and I hate that I did that to her, and the message ends and the robotic woman's voice asks me if I want to erase it. I save it. I press the phone to my chest and take a breath that cuts off into sounding like I'm being strangled. I am being strangled. I can't do this. I can't hurt her like this.

But Trina's words are still smoldering in my ears, repeating themselves over and over. And there's Jade again, haunting over me, having the power to ruin everything I've built at the Hollywood Art School. I have friends here. They like me. And Trina's right. If they find out, if Jade leaks it or Cat leaks it and what happens with Callie happens again -

I will break.

"Do you want all that crap to happen again? You can't do this, Tori. You're going to ruin things for both you and I. Don't be selfish like that. Why can't you just - I don't know - ignore girls until _after _high school, until you move out? That way you can't humiliate me - us - and you won't get hurt."

It was almost unbearable when my old school found out, when they spray painted those nasty words on my locker, when girls who had been my friends shunned me for fear of me checking them out, of the boys following me to the bathroom and pressing themselves against me, telling me that they would change me. And then Callie leaving and telling me I wasn't worth all of this turmoil, that I had made her a terrible person and she never wanted to see me again. I loved her. Love her. I don't know, but even saying her name hurts too much and then she went to that boarding school and left me to deal with months of torture. She left me and the school turned its back on me and I had sex with a guy I met at a club in a desperate attempt to make myself 'normal'.

I can't do that again. Going to my new school was a miracle if anything to get me out of hell. I can't risk losing that.

And I don't know if Cat is worth that risk.

That's a lie. I know she is.

And that sounds terrible after last night. It does. Because I can't remember the last time I was so happy with someone. I can't remember when something felt so undeniably right. I can still smell her here in my bed, in my sheets and my pillows and bedspread and I take some kind of sick comfort in that. I'm a terrible, horrible, selfish person.

And I'm weak.

And that's why I don't call her back. That's why I have to stop this before it gets any worse.

-x-

She texts me in the morning. Twice. I don't answer. Trina and I get out of the car in the school parking lot and she pats my shoulder as we walk in, sipping cheerfully at her coffee. "I think you're making a great choice, Tori. Also, you look like crap today."

"Thank you, my lovely sister." She's right, though. I didn't bother with make-up. I didn't do my hair. I just threw it up. Even though it's really hot outside, I'm in a hoodie and jeans. I'm trying to hide in them. Andre waves from my locker where he waits and Robbie joins. I wave back halfheartedly, turning back to Trina. "Do you really think this is the best choice? The right one?"

"Who cares about right?" She nudges me with her coffee. "The point is you're not going to mess things up for me. Or you."

I understand why she's doing this. I know she has her selfish reasons. She doesn't want to be the gay girl's sister. But I know that, somewhere, under her selfishness, there's concern for me. Deep, deep, buried, smothered, but it's there. It has to be.

She gives me a blinding smile and a slap on the shoulder before scooting off and I trudge to my locker, where Andre and Beck talk about video games or something equally stupid. I haven't seen Cat yet. My breath hitches in my chest at the thought of her and, God, how am I going to handle actually seeing her? I don't have much time to think about it because I hear my name behind me just I get my locker open and her voice alone makes my back straighten and my breathing catch. I shove my homework inside and scramble for the stuff I need for first hour, turning my face away so I can't look at her when she touches my shoulder.

"Tori," Cat says, and her touch and her voice makes my eyes burn again. "Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept. Why didn't you call?"

And there's that hurt again, even worse than it was on the phone. I glance at her, trying to look as unapproachable as I can, but she just stands there, staring at me with her eyes wide and her lips in a frown. Beyond her, I can see Jade hovering, watching us with her arms crossed and the smuggest smirk I've ever seen planted firmly on her face. I turn away sharply and gather my things, shutting my locker and focusing my gaze on Cat's flip-flops.

"Busy," I say, trying to sound angry or something, I don't know, but there's too much pain in me to make it come out that way. It just sounds empty and broken.

Cat reaches out to touch me and I step back, as much as I want to lean forward. Her hand drops slowly. "Tori? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I have to go." And I turn and leave her there and it's so much like it was at the park. I pass Jade as I go and she wiggles her fingers at me, her shoulders shaking with a laugh. I keep walking and I can't go back, I can't.

And my heart shreds itself to pieces.


	15. Chapter 15

**( Cat's POV )**

I'm in the bathroom again, my cheek to the floor.

I've been here for two hours. Maybe three. I lost count of how many times the bell has rang, how many girls have scuttled in and out of here to pee. Not one has check this stall. Not one has knocked or checked. I've seen about a hundred pairs of shoes come in and out and there was an announcement for me to come to the office but I didn't, and they probably think I'm skipping again because they stopped asking.

And I hum and think about things. If plants can think. If we hurt feets' feelings by stepping on them all the time. What an alternate universe would be like. How awesome it would be to be a spy. To fly. To live in a world absent of lies.

I sound like a poet.

But I'm used to these thoughts, these colorful, entertaining things that have kept me sane (or not) all of these years. They've made me feel less lonely. I get lost in them and no one wants to find me, and I've been okay with that until a certain Latina told me I wasn't crazy.

I wince and roll over, my other cheek to the floor. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to think of something else, something colorful and not at all related to this tan-skinned girl who touched me and whispered my name and told me she would call -

And then she didn't.

A sob racks me so hard my body jerks like I'm seizing and God, this hurts. I thought maybe she was going to be more than a disappointment, but she didn't call, and she all but ran away from me this morning and left me here. And I know she's scared but I deserve better treatment than that. I let her have all of me in the most intimate way for the first time and the day after, she doesn't call? And now she looks at me like I'm something she should be afraid of.

She told me I wasn't crazy. Was that a lie? Did I make all of those feelings up? When she called out my name, was it because I was something she intended to use for just that or was it because she wanted something more? Because I wanted - want something more. And I thought she was going to give that to me. I was prepared to keep it secret. For Tori. I was ready to do anything for Tori because I didn't want her going through the same hell she went through in her old school. I was going to make it different for her. And, I hoped, she would make it different for me.

Make everything different.

Make everything better.

But she left me standing at her locker and her voice was empty and cold. And I don't know what's going on with her, but I can't take this kind of distant abuse. I'm already fragile and my medicine can only do so much. It keeps me level, but it's never had much to deal with. My life has been monotonous and dull. I don't have much to worry about anyway, so the medicine has only had to handle small, trivial things. This is worse, this is big, this is _Tori_.

I can't stop the cry that rips out of my throat. It hurts but I'm able to clamp my hand over my mouth before it can get too loud. The bathroom is quiet and smells of soap and hairspray. I uncurl my hand from my mouth. If what happened Saturday night hadn't happened, then this would be stupid. But when you make - make love with someone for the first time, and then they give you the cold shoulder ... it's unlike anything. Anything.

-x-

I stay in there all day until the final bell rings. I only know that because of the increase in rumbling of footsteps, a few people rushing in the bathroom to use it before their buses come. Girls squeal and laugh and lockers slam outside and I figure I should get up now. I push myself to a sitting position and my head swims. I blink quickly, standing up and rubbing my cheek. It's cold and clammy and so is everything else on my body. I stumble out of the stall just as the bathroom door opens, and I prepare to go back inside, to hide my puffy red eyes and blotchy cheeks but I pause and stare and it's Tori.

She pauses, her eyes wide and caught on mine. She's been crying, too. Her tan skin is pale and her eyes are sore looking. She sniffles, pressing the back of her hand under her nose. "Cat," she says, and there's such desperation in her voice that it breaks me as much as it seems to be breaking her.

I take a step back like I'm just going to hide in the handicap stall or something but I don't. I can't. I can't give in to Tori and I can't back away, either. My face grows hard and I step out, holding my purse and walking forward. As I pass her, her hand catches my shoulder. "Cat, please, talk to me for a minute."

"You didn't want to talk this morning," I snap, ripping my shoulder out of her grasp. "You seemed pretty busy this morning. Didn't have the time to talk to me, to tell me if you were okay or not. But you have lots of time now, huh, Tori?"

I sound mean. I don't sound like myself at all. But I don't care. I'm hurt and I want her to know what it's like for someone you care about to act like they're someone else, when they act cold and uncaring. My tears are building up again but I keep my face stern as I glare at her, trembling in front of me.

"Cat, I'm sorry -"

"Yeah, I've heard that before." I step close to her and she smells so good, so much like she did when I was in her room. "Look, you either want me or you don't, but don't play games with me. My mind can't handle that. I'm crazy, okay? I can't keep up with your mind games."

"Cat, I'm not playing games with you and you're not crazy -"

"Shut up, Tori. Shut up. Are you doing this to me because I'm crazy? Because I'm easy to mess around with?"

"No, please, listen to me. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just, I'm scared."

"And you think I'm not? I get that you're scared but it doesn't give you a right to treat me like that. To not call me when you say you're going to." I point toward the door, to the empty school beyond it. "I'm not trying to out you, Tori. I don't want you going through the same stuff you went through in your old school. But I will not be a second choice to you. I will not come after their opinions." I'm crying and she's crying but I'm so angry I can't look at her anymore. "I am not a second choice," I reinstate firmly, before turning and flying out of the bathroom.

I try to feel good about all of it, but I feel sick and scared as I stomp out of the school. I am not a toy Tori can play with and I hope she gets that now. If she doesn't want me, fine. I'll go back to the life I was living before. But if she does, if she decides that I'm worth everything she's afraid of, then she'll have to make that decision fast and understand the complications. I'm out of my _mind _and I understand them.

I wipe my tears away and stomp home. I don't know what she'll do, it could go either way. My heart waits for joy or torture. I feel like I'm going to war.


	16. Chapter 16

**( Tori's POV )**

Cat's right. Of course she's right. First of all, I'm letting my fear control my choices, and that's never landed anyone anywhere good. And second, I'm hurting Cat. She doesn't deserve that.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I've been torturing myself all day, sitting blankly through all of my classes. When they made the announcement for Cat to go to the office, and then I didn't see her for the rest of the day, I started to panic. Was she in trouble? Did she skip? Did something happen? It drove me crazy and I nearly left school to go look for her. But I didn't, because I let my stupid insecurities keep me here.

I'm messing everything up.

I couldn't hold my tears after the bell rang and when I ran in here and saw her - okay, not hurt (in the physical sense), I felt so much better. I wanted to talk, I wanted to apologize, but her uncharacteristic explosion was well deserved on my part.

I need to get my priorities straight.

I fix myself up as much as I can before marching out of the school. I'm fishing my phone out of my pocket, about to call her, when I hear "Vega!" snapped behind me. I stop and spin around, wondering for a moment if I'm in trouble or something and when my eyes land on the speaker I freeze.

Jade.

"I've been waiting forever for you to come out of there," she says confidently, stalking towards me with her fingers hooked in her beltloops. I swallow and feel oddly like an antelope might feel when they see a lion circling around them. My animal instincts tell me I should probably run.

"What do you need?" I ask smoothly, eyes narrowed suspiciously as she stops a few feet from me. She's pretty the way mean people always are. Her dark eyes are sharp and her hair falls down her shoulders and frames her face in a way that makes it look intimidating and fierce. I don't have time for this. I have to get back to Cat before things get worse. Before she decides I'm not worth the trouble. Which, I'm not, but if she thinks so, I'll go on letting her believe it.

"You went to East before coming to Hollywood Arts, right?" She grins, her teeth like razors. "Did a bit of snooping ... they had very _interesting_ nicknames for you there, didn't they?"

My heart has completely and totally stopped beating.

"My favorite is Tori LickaVag, personally. So accurate."

I swallow, or try to, but my throat is thick and Jade just stands there and smirks at me. I don't know how she did it or who she talked to, but I wouldn't doubt for a moment that whatever prick she found at East talked crap about me as soon as my name came up. They probably told her all about my 'obsession with girls' and how I made Callie 'a bad person'. I set my jaw tightly and look down at my shoes.

"When I saw you and Cat skipping, I thought - why not? Might as well figure out what two losers do when they're not in school." I can feel her smirking at me as I shift backwards, only for her to step forward and close the gap. "And then I saw you guys in the coffee shop and I was getting pretty bored at that point, but it started getting interested once you two got to the park. You were really close to her, really, _really _close ..." She laughs and fear is pulsing through me in hard bursts. She bounces on her other hip and I can hear the smack of her gum. "You seemed horrified when you left her there and I thought, wow, there must be something to Vega that she isn't telling her new friends." She suddenly nudges my shoulder and I step back again. "You're a dyke."

I stare at her, crossing my arms and taking another step back but it's always followed by her moving closer. "What do you want, Jade? What do you want from me?"

"So you are, then." Her lips curl into that devilish grin. "You're a lesbian."

I throw my hands up and let them slap back to my side. "You win, Jade. Yeah, I am. What do you want? You must want _something_, or you wouldn't be here. You'd be spreading it." I know how Jade is. She's manipulative and cruel. I would have expected her to have spread my news by now and the only explanation for why she hasn't is that she has some secret motive I don't know about. I stare at her and stares at me, that grin never leaving her face.

"What do I want?" She laughs and the hairs on my neck start to rise. She steps forward again and I'm determined to not back away, to stay right where I am. She's too close, and those predator eyes are narrowing on me like I'm her next meal. "What could Tori Vega possibly give me," her hands reach out and I suck in a breath as they curl around my hips, bringing them forward. "I can think of a few things ..." She leans down and I can feel her breath on my neck and my entire body is pulsing with electricity.

"Woah," I snap, stepping out of her grasp. "No, no way, don't touch me." I glance around and thank God we're alone. A car rumbles by, followed by a bus, but otherwise it's just us and the windows of the school staring down at us.

"Oh?" She perks a brow, her body swaying like a snake as she moves to close the distance again. "Are you really in a position to say no?"

"I'm _not _going to be your little - sex slave, Jade. You're crazy."

"Really?" She laughs again and I'm trembling because I have to convince myself that that is just too far, that I can't possibly even consider this but she's got this dark look in her eyes that tells me I don't have a choice. "Well, okay then, I'll just go on The Slap and tell the whole world who you really are." She strides forward, her boots slamming against the concrete. I watch her for a moment, anxiety twisting in my gut and I know she's not kidding. She's not kidding at all.

"Wait!"

Jade pauses, spinning on one heel with her eyebrow raised. I open my mouth and close it, forcing my eyes to close. The ends justify the means, right? This is for Cat. This is to protect me, yeah, but Cat above everything else. She doesn't need extra bullying. And this way, I could have both the luxury of a school that doesn't hate me and a girlfriend I could keep secret. I would just have to subject myself to Jade.

"Not often, not all the time - "

"Hey, Vega, I settle the details, not you." She walks forward again and I clamp my jaw tightly.

"Didn't know you were a lesbian."

"I'm not. I just like having fun." Jade's lips curl into a tight grin. "This is the deal - I get you whenever I want you."

"I don't swear often, Jade, but I really want to right now."

She laughs again. "Don't interrupt. I'll call you when I feel like you coming over, and if you don't - that's it. Everyone knows."

I take a deep breath and I feel sick and I don't think that sensation is going to go away any time soon. "Fine."

"Good girl," she coos, reaching out to pat my cheek. I jerk away.

"Don't touch me otherwise," I snap.

"Watch it, Vega."

We exchange numbers and then she's gone, swaying off to the parking lot. Trina didn't wait for me and I don't mind, I walk towards Cat's. I feel like I might puke pretty soon but I force the bile down and try to keep my focus on Cat. I'm doing this for Cat. I'm doing this to keep me safe and Trina safe and Cat safe.

It's got to be worth it, right?


	17. Chapter 17

**( Cat's POV )**

I had it all planned out. I was going to walk in, slam my front door, drop my stuff, storm upstairs and slam my bedroom door, too. Then, I was going to curl in my bed crying or something just as dramatic, and then I was going to wait for Tori to call.

Except, well, I passed an ice cream stand.

And any girl knows that heartache calls for ice cream.

I got a vanilla cone and chatted with the nice boy running it for a while. He was trying to flirt with me, I think, but I'm not sure. That kind of stuff goes right past me because no one flirts with me. He could just be being nice to me because it was obvious I had been crying. We ended up talking about Animal Planet for a long time when I heard my name.

"Cat!"

I turned so fast I nearly dropped my ice cream and blinked in surprise as Tori strode up to me. She smiled apologetically at the ice cream boy before grabbing my elbow, tugging me away.

"Bye, Sam!" I called back at him and he waved. I ripped my elbow away from her and glared, licking furiously at my ice cream cone. "Yes? Can I help you?"

I suck at being mean, because as soon as I look her way and see the tortured look in her eyes I stop walking and throw my arms around her neck. "Oh, Tori, I'm sorry I yelled like that, I never yell -"

"I deserved it," she whispers, her arms circling around my waist. "I'm sorry I treated you like that this morning. I won't do it again. I promise."

I smile into her neck but can't help notice the strain in her voice, like it's really hard for her to talk. I place a quick kiss to her cheek before pulling back, frowning at my ice cream cone. "I got ice cream in your hair."

She smiles, and as tight and sad as it is behind those lips it's still nice to see. She takes my ice cream cone from me and licks it slowly, wiggling the white tip of her tongue before sliding it back in her mouth. I shift my legs at a sudden heat between them, biting my lower lip. "You shouldn't do that in public, it's hardly fair," I say, suddenly breathless.

Her eyebrows quirk and she smiles, holding out her arm for me to loop mine through. She steers me back to her house and into her bed and into _her_, and it's amazing how bad days can turn around so quickly.

-x-

"I'm prepared to keep this secret, Tori," I tell her. She's naked and soft beneath me and I run my hands up and down her sides, loving the way she arches toward my touch like it's some kind of addictive thing. I would have never thought someone would love me touching them, but here's Tori, all but begging me with her body to come closer. "I don't mind waiting until after high school or whatever."

And I am. I don't care about PDA or faking it. It's for Tori and that's a kind of sacrifice I can handle. Besides, she's risking enough as it is. I touch her cheek and lean down to kiss her and when I pull back, she whispers "Thank you" against my lips. I smile, tangling my hands deep into her pool of dark hair.

I spend the rest of the day in her room, touching Tori and Tori touching me, working on my homework naked in her bed while she tries to distract me by kissing my collarbone. We get dressed only to eat dinner and then I'm right back in her room for a few more hours, twisting under the sheets with her while she tells me to be quiet.

When I leave, my hair is beyond repair and Trina glares as I walk out the door with a wave to Tori. My girlfriend. I didn't care about Trina or Jade anymore because Tori was my _girlfriend_. I'd never been able to call someone mine before. Trina could whine all she wanted and Jade could glare all day long. I don't care. Tori is mine and no one is going to take her away from me.

I skip home when the sun is starting to set. And it's surreal, how focused my brain is. Yeah, I still feel sporadic and out there, but that was never going to go away. But most of my thoughts are about Tori and the way she smells and tastes and the way I ccan say things without worrying about her thinking I'm crazy. She let me go on and on about stupid things and when she talked, it was almost like we were on the same level, only hers was a bit more sane. I hug my arms and smile all the way home.

And, it's lame and corny and stupid, but I've never done it before, so when I get to my bedroom, I write Tori's name all over a piece of paper, over and over. Tori. Tori and Cat. Cat and Tori. I know it's childish, I know it's silly, but it felt nice. It felt nice drawing a heart by her name. I texted her goodnight before slipping under the covers and she replied, "Goodnight, babe."

My heart pounded me a rhythm that I fell asleep to.

* * *

**AN**: I've gotten a few reviews saying Jade is OOC and, yeah, I intended her to be OOC. But isn't _all _fanfiction a little OOC? We write these things _because _they'll never happen in the show.

Anyway, thank you so much for all of the reviews. I really appreciate it. This story is hardly done, so be prepared for a nice, long, angsty, romantic fic coming your way.


	18. Chapter 18

**(Tori's POV)**

_Three Months Later_

Jade throws me on her bed so hard my breath rattles out of me and then she's on top of me, straddling my hips with her lips sucking on the skin of my neck. Jeez, she was rough. Her hands gripped my sides and pulled me up, her fingernails scratching through the fabric. I grunt in disapproval, as I always do, when her fingers pick at the buttons of my jeans. Most of the time, when she calls me over - which is about once a week or so - I just lay there like a dummy and do whatever she tells me to do. Kiss her. Bite her. Scratch her. But mostly, I just take whatever she inflicts on me and close my eyes and think of Cat.

Soft, smooth, beautiful, adorable, loving, kind, trustworthy, honest, Cat.

And not the fact that I'm cheating on her.

I grimace, both at the thought and at Jade shoving her hand down my pants. I'm not cheating on Cat. I don't like messing around with Jade. I _hate _messing around with Jade. But I have to do this. I've been trying to convince myself for three months that I'm sacrificing myself for the greater good, but every time I leave Jade's bed and slip into Cat's, I feel like I'm making everything worse.

As Jade kisses a very sensitive area I gasp because, regardless of whose doing it, that still feels good, and screw my eyes shut again. Other than this secret Jade stuff and risking ruining everything I have with Cat, things have been fine. More than fine. Cat and I are hardly ever apart and I still have all of my friends at school. Jade's even gone so far as to make more people approach me for friendship. Trina doesn't know Cat and I are together, though she does think we spend far too much time attached at each others hips.

But that's okay. I like having Cat at my hip all the time. She's one of those people you never grow tired of.

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, at the lines I've seen a hundred times. Jade's got a nice house and it's pretty and clean, but her room is dark and scary, almost. Maybe that's just because the only experiences I've had in here were about as close to rape as you can get. I try to imagine Cat down there instead of Jade, but it's hard because Jade grabs me and bites me too much and too harsh, like she's trying to abuse me as much as she can before I leave.

Usually, our sessions only last an hour or so, but she drags this one out, enjoying the way I squirm in disgust and ask her over and over if I can leave yet. I'm supposed to call Cat so we can meet up later and I can hardly do that when Jade is gnawing on my earlobe.

I don't feel feel the kind of pleasure I do with Cat; only guilt. Guilt that feels like tar in my gut, sick and twisting and snaking its way through my veins. I know I'm a terrible person, but I've done so much convincing that I really am starting to believe that I'm doing a good thing. This is for Cat. Trina. Me. And I know it's wrong on every level possible, but I can't not do this. I have to do this. I will not let Hollywood Arts turn into another East fiasco. I can't handle that.

I scoff at myself. But I can handle this? Cheating on my girlfriend? Willingly giving myself up to this sex-obsessed villain who is using my sexuality as blackmail and using it to turn me into her plaything? I'm boiling from the inside out in my suppressed rage. Not at Jade; at myself. Because Jade's just being Jade. I'm not being Tori. Not the Tori Cat knows.

I'm lying to her, I'm abandoning her so I can try and keep my reputation at Hollywood Arts safe.

How low can you get?

-x-

An hour later, I'm slumped in Cat's bed, burying my face in her neck.

"I thought we were going somewhere," she whispers into my ear and I shake my head, turning my face up to kiss her jawbone.

"I'd rather stay here," I reply softly, breathing deeply to wipe out the smell of Jade in my nose. And I urge her to touch me and she does, washing Jade out with her hands.

I feel clean and new, and we don't even have sex this time, we just lie there and talk. It's a warm Saturday night and we talk about everything - about her parents, about mine, about her incoherent thoughts. I tell her I would love to live in her head for a day or two, because it must be colorful, and she giggles and touches my lips, whispering, "All of my thoughts are about you."

That makes my heart expand so much in my chest, there isn't any room for it, and I tell myself that I'll never see Jade again, that Cat makes me strong enough to deal with anything Jade might do to me, but I've thought this before and it's never happened. Not once. Cat makes me strong, sure - when we're alone in a bed. When it's just us and we're talking about the things that hurt us and the things that make us happy. How much we mean to the other person. But as soon as I step out of the door, as soon as Cat is out of reach, I'm poor, pathetic little Tori again, trapped in my own insecurities.

In three months, I've fallen so deeply in love, I've convinced myself that anything is worth it. I have to have Cat in my life and I'd do anything to keep her there. That's why I'm doing this with Jade. That's why I sneak around and lie, that's why I sit there like a doll while Jade plays with me and orders me to touch her. Because I need the safety at Hollywood Arts that I didn't have at East. I can't be an outcast again. I can't be looked down upon like I'm disgusting. Even if Cat stayed with me the whole time, I'd fall apart. She would try to put me back together, but I wouldn't hold.

Society is cruel. Circumstances are cruel.

People suck.

I suck, for not being strong enough. I know that. I know I should never have even considered Jade's offer. If she had outed me, that meant I'd still have Cat and Cat should be more important than my social life at school. But that's what I thought at East - that once I was outed, it wouldn't matter, because I had Callie.

Callie left me, too, and I was alone. Do I think Cat would leave me? No.

I didn't think Callie would leave me, either.

And that's where I am and it's a cold, dark place. I only find light when Cat's in my arms, telling me that her thoughts are about me, how much she loves me and wants me and needs me. I kiss her forehead and smooth back that ruby red hair and tell her I love her, too. I do. I do love her. That's a beautiful thing, really; when someone tells you they love you. It's incredible to think that someone can know everything about you, the good things and the bad things, and still say they love you.

Except, Cat doesn't know everything about me.

If she did, she would probably second-guess her words.


	19. Chapter 19

**( Cat's POV )**

I'm in love.

I write it all over my page. I'm in love. I'm in love with Tori Vega. She's everywhere I am and when I close my eyes it's her face I see. My body is tingling at the thought alone and when I curl into my sheets at night, I can smell her there. She's a permanent scent in my room now.

It's weird. I was convinced that because I was crazy (which Tori has spent a lot of time trying to tell me I'm not) I would never be capable of being wanted. But Tori wants me. It's so etched into her eyes, it's like a tattoo. Some days, it's like she can't stop touching me. Like she's trying to lose herself in me and doesn't want to come out.

I'm perfectly okay with that.

I fill four pages before I realize what I'm doing, smiling down at the pink ink, declaring my love for Tori. I trace her name with my fingers and glance out my window, at the dark blue sky and the stars sprinkled across it. Tori likes to crawl out on my roof at night sometimes and wrap me in blankets and look at the stars with me. Yeah, it's corny. Cheesy. I know that. But I've never had that before and I've only seen it in movies, so I think I have a bit of a right to love the corny and cheesy stuff.

I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore. Because I've lived my entire life with people telling me I was crazy and I've always been by myself in a school full of kids and a house with my parents and my brother in it. And, yeah, I was happy, generally, because I had medication that helped me feel that way. But I had every reason not to be happy. I didn't have friends. My parents hate me. My brother hates me. My own grandma thinks it would be best if I lived the rest of my life in a psychiatric hospital. The only person that looked beyond that was Tori.

And Tori gave me more than her heart. She gave me friends - they're afraid of me, yeah, but I'm used to that. That's nothing new. What's new, though, is that these people don't abandon me when I say something weird. These people are nice. Andre and Beck, they're actually really good guys. And Robbie's finally joining in the group and even though he keeps trying to stutter at me that he wants to take me on a date, I just pat his head and tell him I'm not looking to date a boy anytime soon.

Ever, preferably.

I don't know if I'm gay or not, but it doesn't matter. I just want Tori. She's the only girl I've ever wanted like that - she's the only _person _I've ever wanted like that. Determining something as trivial as my sexual preference is stupid when you're in love with someone. Tori _is _my sexual preference. So there.

And I know I live in my head a lot of the time. That I've been living in there for my entire life. But Tori makes me want to step out and see the colorful things I overlook. I've always said that the inside of my head is colorful, and it is, but I've never really sat down and looked at the other things I miss. Like the way people are soft and vulnerable and how intimate that is. Like the way someone can just say your name and you feel flooded with feelings you didn't know existed. How one touch can make your heart grow a billion sizes.

I gaze at the sky for a while and think of Tori, smiling like a dork to myself. I can't help it. I've been alone for so long that it's not like I can't _not _think of her. Despite my crazy reputation, she skipped school with me. She slept in that tower with me, which we still frequently visit. She tired to push me away but couldn't, and I think that's proof enough that this isn't just a fling. And Jade's left us alone, surprisingly. She's even kind of nice to me, which is weird, but I let it go. I don't want to be on her bad side. No one does. Tori still acts tense around her, but I think that's just because Jade saw us in the tower and no one really knows what Jade's motivations are.

I try not to think about that too much. I'm used to focusing on the good things, so the bad stuff fades to the background pretty fast. Besides, things are so, so good right now. I don't want to jinx anything. I just want to enjoy the best thing that's ever happened to me.

* * *

**AN**: I know this chapter was all thought and no action, but it serves a greater purpose later. Besides, Cat is very in her head anyway. That, and it's important now for her to get out exactly what she feels for Tori and how much she has let Tori mean to her. This chapter is important, you'll see.


	20. Chapter 20

**( Tori's POV )**

My phone explodes and I jump, scrambling away from my mirror to pick it up. "Cat?" I say, because I always assume it's her when it rings but all I hear is a snort on the other line, the faint sound of a car rumbling past in the background.

"Don't insult me," Jade's voice grumbles.

I blink. "Jade? What do you want? I was just with you yesterday and I'm busy today, I can't -"

"Shut up, Vega. I'm coming to your house today."

I nearly drop my phone. Jade, in my house, in my bed? I can't do that. Then that's all I'll be able to think about the next time Cat is here. I switch my phone to my other ear and move back to my mirror. I'm meeting Cat for dinner. It's our three month anniversary, and though it doesn't mean much to others, Cat's making a huge deal out of it. I don't mind. I think it's cute.

"You can't come here. We can't - we can't do _that _here. What's wrong with your house?"

Jade huffs, clearly annoyed. If she was this desperate for sex, I think the girl needed some clinical help. Though, her obsession with sex was probably the least of her issues. Jade was pretty messed up. But she had never even suggested meeting me in my house. She liked the comfort of her own room because she could be weird and messed up Jade there. "Look, it's not like I _want _to go to yours, but I'm horny and my dad is renovating."

I scoff, trying to apply mascara with one hand. "Jade, I can't. I'm meeting Cat at a restaurant in less than an hour. It's our anniversary."

"Adorable. Don't care. I'm coming whether you like it or not. Ignore the sexual innuendo I just made there."

"Hilarious. Jade, seriously, can you please wait until tomorrow? It's bad enough that I'm doing this with you, but to do it on my girlfriend and I's _anniversary_?"

"Vega, don't make me threaten you."

I shut up for a moment and stare in the mirror, at the suddenly frightened reflection staring back at me. I grind my jaw. This is pathetic, me giving in to Jade's every whim just because she has blackmail on me. When I'm lost in Cat, sometimes I wonder what I was thinking to begin with. My reputation shouldn't matter. School shouldn't matter. Other people's opinions shouldn't matter. Only Cat should matter.

But then I think of what happened back at East and my heart starts to pound. _Tori LickaVag_.

"Fine," I snap into the phone. "But make it quick. I refuse to be late."

-x-

"Ow - do you _have _to bite me?"

"Shut up." Jade shifts away from my bitten neck and licks her way down my naked torso. God, I hope that doesn't bruise. Jade's usually pretty good with not marking me as she attacks my body, but I think being in my house is making her nervous. I glance at the clock again. I have a half hour to get to the restaurant. I want to shove Jade off now - I know she'll just make things more difficult if I do, though. I resist, clenching and unclenching my hands at my sides.

Jade teases a nipple and then the other. I hate even thinking that that feels good, so I close my eyes and think of dead puppies. It usually helps. Or I imagine Jade as Cat, even though Jade's touch is icy and unwelcome while Cat has the kind of caress you can drown in. It makes it difficult for my imagination to make things better for me, so I think ahead to the date Cat and I planned - dinner, a movie, dessert at an ice cream parlor, and then back to her place for a nice night where I can erase Jade from my skin. I think about the movie we're seeing and how I probably won't even pay attention to it, how I'll probably just watch the way the light flickers over Cat's flawless skin.

Time moves by sluggishly - Jade makes me reach an unwanted climax and then forces me on top of her, working my knee against her while she tangles her hands in my hair. I close my eyes and think of Cat again, but when I open them it's a girl with brown hair instead of red and I lose my focus, glaring hard at her stomach as she comes. Jade's pretty loud, even with my radio on, and I hiss at her to be quiet when I hear footsteps crawling up the stairs.

I curse, flinging myself off of Jade and moving to my door. It's locked, but I press myself against it anyway.

"Tori?"

It's my mother. I sigh, swallowing hard. "Yeah? What's up?"

"Cat's here."

My eyes widen and I jerk them to the clock again. I was supposed to meet her ten minutes ago. I swear once more, guilt twisting my stomach so much I fear vomiting as I press my ear to the door. "Tell her I'll be there in a minute."

"No, I'll just send her up."

"No, Mom!"

But she's already gone.

I release a string of profanities which causes a very naked Jade to raise her eyebrows at me. I scramble for my bra and underwear, throwing my shirt on backwards which causes another frustrated grunt as I struggle to turn it around. I nearly stumble when I tug my pants on. Jade, on the other hand, takes her time, humming as she slowly dresses herself.

"Tori?"

Cat's at my door. Oh my God. My heart is about to explode out of fear and I whip around to Jade, who is still naked from the waist up. "Hurry up," I hiss at her, unlocking my door and opening it just a crack. I step in front of it, blocking Jade from Cat's brown eyes that peer suspiciously through the gap. "Hey, Cat, just a second, okay?"

"Your mom said Jade was here," she replies, holding out her hand to keep me from shutting it.

I'm hyperventilating now. I'm caught. I am caught. I stare helplessly into Cat's eyes, which narrow more and more as the seconds pass and I'm still standing there. I stutter, shaking my head and trying to come up with a lie but I've been lying for so long, I can't think of any more.

Cat makes a soft whine that jerks my head up in surprise. She shoves the door and I've no choice but to let it open. I don't want to turn around. I just watch Cat's face as it goes slack, her brown eyes wide with realization and my heart sets itself on fire in my throat. I slowly follow her gaze where Jade sits perched on the edge of my bed in just a bra, her pants still unzipped.

"Oops," she says and her voice is dark and slimy and my knees are going to give out, I'm just going to fall down and I never want to get back up again.

My eyes are stuck on Cat as she looks back at me, tears puddling in those eyes and this is unrepairable, this isn't something I can just fix. She knows. She thinks I'm doing something I'm not. I'm not doing this for me. I'm not messing around with Jade for me. But Cat would never believe that and, really, I'm in no place to try and convince her otherwise.

"Cat." It's a whisper, it's a plea, it's a million things I don't have the effort to say.

She spins and she stomps away. I'm right behind her and the sobs that shake me are so sudden and harsh I almost fall, running after her as she blurs down the stairs. "Cat!" My parents watch with wide eyes of disbelief as I follow her out the door. I'm chasing her knowing she won't let me catch up. "Cat, please, Cat!" And I scream her name over and over until we're in the street when I finally manage to snag her arm.

Cat whips around so fast I barely see it and she shoves me. I stumble backwards, my hands in front of me like I'm waiting for her to take them. The disgust in her eyes that I find so loving scares me and I take another step back, choking on a sob.

"Don't touch me," she hisses, her voice low and her eyes burning with something that can only be hatred.

"Cat," I whimper, reaching for her again but she turns and she's gone and I'm left standing in the middle of the sidewalk, staring after her.

And this is my fault.

All of this is my fault.


	21. Chapter 21

**( Cat's POV )**

I'm beginning to believe that good things were not meant to happen to me.

I am physically unable to make tears anymore. I didn't sleep last night. It's almost noon and I've been staring at the ceiling since I got home. I didn't take my medicine this morning. I can already feel the effects of that.

Color.

Lots of color.

Victoria Vega doesn't exist, I tell myself as I stare at the lines criss-crossing my ceiling. She's just someone I made up, like the shadows I used to talk to when I was a kid. I miss those shadows. I miss talking to them. They listened. They didn't hurt you. Tori was a weird kind of shadow. It was almost like I remember her touching me. You're not supposed to feel shadows. They can't touch you, they're shadows. Anyway, she was a bad shadow, a shadow I shouldn't have made. I mean, yeah, I'm lonely, I know that, but this shadow hurt me.

I need to forget she was ever created.

I close my eyes but that makes everything too vivid so I open them again, staring at the ceiling. Tori was supposed to stay the night with me last night. Good thing I realized she wasn't real. She was touching Jade before me. Bad shadow. It would be like _I_ was touching Jade and Jade's the last person I want to touch.

Apparently, Tori liked touching her.

My body heaves and I roll on my side, digging my nails into the soft flesh of my chest as if in a desperate attempt to keep my heart from exploding out of me. I wouldn't mind if it left. I don't want it anymore. I finally have the chance to give it to someone and they turn out to be a bad shadow and I can't, I can't have it, I don't want it. It hurts too much having it.

Why couldn't I have been the kind of crazy person to not have feelings? Emotions are overrated, anyway, and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm getting worked up about someone that isn't even real but she felt so real she had to have been real _she is real_ -

"No," I say out loud, taking a deep shuddering breath and squeezing my eyes shut, but all I see in the darkness there is Jade smirking at me from Tori's bed. Tori the shadow. "She's not real."

My brain feels like it's vibrating. This is what my life was like before medication. I used to hate it but I kind of like it now because I drift for nearly an hour and Tori doesn't cross my mind once. I think of the people who wrote the dictionary. I think of mermaids. I think of moving to Antarctica and not telling anyone where I'm going and living the rest of my life with the penguins in an igloo. No one can hurt me there. No shadows.

No shadows that look and smell like Tori.

Tori isn't real.

She can't be real.

Because if something isn't real, it can't hurt you.

But I'm hurt right now, I'm just covering it up with things that my non-medicated mind can come up with. I deserve that, right? If I'm in this much pain then I deserve to pretend for a while that nothing exists and I'm still eight years old in the psychiatric hospital where none of this ever happened and Tori Vega is just a shadow on the wall that I let hurt me.

I'm scared. I breathe through my mouth because inhaling through my nose means smelling her and if I smell her that means she's real. Shadows don't have scents. I'm not tired. I should be, but I'm not. I'm wide awake with thoughts I haven't had since I was a kid and it's like I can travel in time while everyone else is stuck in the present. I like it. I go back to when my brother and I got along, when my mom said I was her princess, when I got out of the hospital, anywhere and anytime I want - as long as it was before I met Tori. Everything is game except about three months ago.

She can't hurt me if she's not real.

So I pretend she's fake. I pretend she's fake and I feel just a little bit better.

-x-

Tori doesn't come to school for three days and I'm beginning to wonder if I really did make her up.

Except people keep asking me over and over where she is so I guess that kind of defeats my shadow theory. I tell them I don't know with a smile on my face. I haven't taken my medicine since Saturday morning and it's easy to fake anything when medicine doesn't keep you lucid.

Three days I stare at her empty desk. Three days. I don't cry when I come home, I just sit and eat a little and do homework and watch TV and ignore her when she calls. She's called me fifty times. Fifty. She's texted me probably twice that much, but I don't read any of them. My voicemail is full. My email is full. I don't want to read them. I don't want any of it.

It's like the sadness decided there was too much in me and left. I never knew I could be this happy without taking my medicine. I don't care about anything. I don't. I don't even care when Jade smirks at me from across the classroom. I just stare at her until she looks away. I'm crazy. I can hold awkward, creepy eye contact for hours if I have to, especially now that I just flush my pills down the toilet and my mother is none the wiser.

In fact, half the time, I'm pretty convinced that I've never even talked to Tori before. She's just a girl that goes to my school. I certainly never hung out with her or hugged her or kissed her or loved her. Certainly she never told me I wasn't crazy and meant it.

None of that happened.

The only time that's really hard is when I accidentally forget that Tori has left a permanent mark in my bed and sometimes I inhale through my nose and it all comes running back to me - the tower the kiss the sex Tori falling in love the dates the magic the love Tori Tori Tori.

I keep reminding myself to wash my sheets, my pillow cases, all of my clothes. I keep telling myself I need to wash them until they are completely erased of her.

But I don't.


	22. Chapter 22

**( Tori's POV )**

"Tori? Please, talk to me."

It's Trina. I'm not sure how I know that. I'm not sure how I can recognize anything other than my pain and guilt at this point. I've hardly left my room since Saturday. I'm numb. I'm not hungry or tired or thirsty and all I want to do is lay in my bed and feel all the bad things that I deserve to be feeling. I don't want to talk to Trina.

She's standing over my bed, watching me. I kind of feel like I'm in some kind of coma. That's a nice fantasy; that this is all a dream.

"I told you this would happen."

Trina's right, kind of. She did say this would mess me up. She did say this would blow up in my face and I would get hurt. But she was under the impression that it would be Cat's fault and not mine. She didn't know that it was me who lied and cheated for purely selfish reasons. She didn't know that I was sleeping with Jade to keep her and Cat safe. She didn't know that it was me who had done this, that this was my fault, that I had messed this up.

"I don't know why you never listen to me."

I didn't listen to Trina because I thought Cat was worth what I was doing. And she is. Was. I didn't want Jade to turn her into more of an outcast than she already is. But, mostly, I did it for me, because I'm selfish. I'm a selfish person. I put myself before my relationship with Cat. I worried about all the wrong things. I cared about all the wrong things. I cared more about what people said of me than what I have with Cat.

_Had _with Cat.

I want her to be mine.

It's a little late for that, isn't it?

"If this turns into another East situation, I think it would be best if you talked Mom into letting you do online schooling."

Trina's right. I can't even think about facing my school again. I can't look at Cat in the eyes ever again, not after seeing the disgust and hatred spewing from them. I betrayed her. I betrayed her for a _social life_. What kind of person are you when you sacrifice someone you love for good things whispered about you as you walk down the hall? It's high school. They're teenagers. They should never be more important than Cat and I let them be because I'm stupid and selfish and I deserve to wallow in my pain like I am.

"Are you listening to me, Tori?"

Yeah, I'm listening. I'm listening to the hollow sound of my heart as it beats despite the fact that my brain keeps telling it to stop. Dramatic? Probably, but when shit literally hits the fan, you kind of feel obligated to be dramatic. Besides, it's not like I can brush this off. It's not like I can pick up the pieces and act like the past three months hasn't mean anything.

It's meant everything.

Cat is everything and now she's gone and who in their right mind would take me back after I've been lying and cheating for three months? After I've had sex with _Jade_?

I know I wouldn't.

-x-

After three days of missing school, I thought for sure I had prepared myself for seeing Cat in the hallway.

I was wrong.

She was jerky, twitching, talking to herself. I could see her mumbling behind her fluttering fingers. I could see the twisted, insane smile curling on her lips as she made shapes on her locker door with her other hand. Kids stared as they walked past and I knew without a doubt, even though I had never seen her without taking it, I knew she was skipping her meds.

I really messed her up.

I'm torn between running away and scooping her in my arms and taking her with me. I just stand there. Andre asks me where I've been and I tell him I was sick, which isn't a total lie. I was sick. Sick with all of the bad things I've done that consumed me like the friggin' plague.

I watch her as much as I can during the day. I watch her as she shifts in moods, angrily scribbling in her notebook in one class while the other she's as happy as a clam, staring aimlessly out the window. She's breaking right in front of me. My hands are in tight fists all day - not because I'm mad at her. How _could _I be mad at her? Because I did this to her and now I don't know how to make it stop.

At lunch, Cat doesn't show up. I don't know where she went. Probably the bathroom. I've half a mind to go find her, but even now I'm faking small talk with Andre and Beck and Robbie, even though all I want to do is run away and get myself as far from this place as I possibly can.

I haven't touched my pizza and lunch is almost over when Jade pops up.

"Hey," she coos, leaning down to give Beck a nice wet one on the mouth. I wonder if he knows just how unfaithful she is. Maybe he does and doesn't care. What a strange relationship. Her eyes soon jerk to me and she crooks a finger. "I need to talk to you. Private. Girl talk."

The boys around me are instantly uninterested and I force myself to my feet like an obedient dog. That thought sparks a distant fire in me as Jade leads me to an empty table, far from the rest of the students. She sits across from me and I try to be mad at her, try to put the blame on her, but I can't. It's not rape if you say yes.

"Stop ignoring my calls, first of all," she growls, picking at her nails as she talks. "I was going to hook up with you last night but you didn't answer. I was this close to going on The Slap." She holds her fingers a few spaces apart to show.

I shrug my shoulders. Like it matters anymore.

"So you can just come over today after school."

I glance up, my brow furrowed. "What? No."

Jade pauses, her black eyes sharp as they focus on me. "Excuse me?"

"I said no." I give a dry, pathetic excuse for a laugh. "Do you even care that the person I love hates me?"

She stares at me blankly like she's never even heard the word 'love' before. "Do I look like I care?"

I shake my head slowly, my face hiding in my hands. "Jade, do you have a heart?"

"No," she answers quickly, like this is common knowledge. I suppose it should be by now. "So, today. After school." Jade doesn't care about Cat and I. She only cares about getting what she wants and the joy of manipulating me into giving it to her, willingly. I stare at her in disbelief. This is the kind of person I sacrificed what I had with Cat for. So people like Jade wouldn't say terrible things about me.

"No," I say firmly. I had lost the most important person in my life. Nothing else mattered. It took her running away from me to realize just how important she was. "I don't care if they know. I don't care if you go all over the internet and tell people I'm gay. I. Don't. Care." And I don't, because I'm not protecting anyone anymore. Not even Trina.

Jade stares at me like I've sprouted a third head, her jaw slack but soon tightening. "Are you sure about that, LickaVag? Are you really sure?"

I stare back at her and I can see every student at East in her eyes, taunting me, spray painting my locker, following me, and I can see the strange man I had sex with in a desperate attempt to change. She is everything I've been afraid of for so long, but Cat flashes in front of my eyes and she's better than all that. She is proof that I don't have to scared anymore.

The bell rings. I hook my purse over my shoulder and stand, watching Jade with determination. "Positive."


	23. Chapter 23

**( Cat's POV )**

A week without medicine is a beautiful thing. Really, you should feel it.

Over the weekend, I read about lobotomies. That's where they take this big metal spike and shove it up your eye and take this piece of your brain out so you don't have feelings anymore. At least, that's what the internet tells me. I've read everything I can about them. I even went to the library and read about them for hours. And it's a good thing I don't know anyone who can give me a lobotomy because, really, the idea doesn't sound so bad.

Every time my mother asks me if I've taken my meds, I put on my sane face. The one where my smile isn't so manic and my eyes aren't so wide and I nod and say yes like I always have and always do, and my mom is so out of it that she doesn't notice I throw them in the trash or in the toilet. She doesn't notice because she doesn't look and she doesn't look because she doesn't care and I spend the majority of my time staring at the ceiling or counting the stars on my bedspread.

A girl once told me I wasn't crazy and for a few months I believed her. I took my pills and did my best to keep my brain at a normal kind of state. She was a nice girl. She had the type of smile that you couldn't ignore, the one you had to mirror because it felt so right. And she had these hands, these hands that memorized every part of you and they were soft and tan. I remember her, kind of. I think her name was Tori, but I'm not entirely sure if she's real or not. I make up a lot of things when I'm not on my medicine, these really colorful things. They make me happy. They make me forget. And it's not such a bad existence, really, to live in your head. Everything there is yours and you control it. I went to Paris in my head yesterday and everything was so vivid I could see and hear and taste and feel everything. Paris is beautiful when perched on top of the Eiffel tower.

But the best part of that experience was jumping _off _the Eiffel tower, and letting the ground rush up to meet my face.

I've fancied dying for a few days now, because that girl I was telling you about, that Tori girl, she haunts my dreams and it scares me. And this other girl, Jade, she's there too. All I can see when I sleep is them kissing each other and that Tori girl telling the Jade shadow that she loves her and I know that's not right because I somehow know that Tori is supposed to love me. I don't know how I know that because I'm still pretty sure she's not real, but I want her to love me anyway. And I don't want to see them anymore, I want to be able to see just darkness. Just for a while. And for a while, I mean forever.

I don't want to die. Maybe I do. I don't know. My thoughts aren't exactly straight forward anymore. I don't know what I want, I just act on impulse. I'm crazy and impulsive and I'm okay with that, really. I really am. I am.

-x-

"Catherine?"

A hand slaps against my door and I snap back to life, sitting up. My brain is vibrating. I love it. "Yeah?"

"Tori's here."

I frown at that information. I'm about to tell my mom that she doesn't exist and how in the world does she know about my shadows, but I just shout back, "Okay," because I don't know what that means. I listen as my mom walks away and maybe I just made all that up and it wasn't real so I shrug and fall back against my bed and try and take myself back to the Statue of Liberty. But I'm interrupted by my door opening and the edge of my bed sinking but I don't move my eyes. I don't care who it is, I just want them to go away. I can't take them to the Statue of Liberty with me.

"Cat?"

That voice is familiar and my arm jerks at a warm touch brushing against it. Shadows can't make you feel things, she isn't real.

"You aren't taking your medicine, are you?"

I blink slowly and shift my eyes to the nearby window. How did the shadow know that? Why did the shadow sound so solid and why was she still touching my arm? I finally roll on my side and glare out the window. And then her chest is against my back and I can feel her arms around my waist. I grit my teeth and for a minute I think I'm Jade or something because that's the only way she would touch me like this, is if I were Jade and I'm not. I'm Cat.

"I'm not Jade," I tell the shadow. Maybe that will make her go away.

"I know," she says against my ear and I can't help but like the sound of her voice way too much. "You're better than Jade."

"You're lying. You were touching her."

"I know. I did it - I did it to protect you. And me."

I twist around and there she is, the most beautiful shadow I've ever made. Her brown eyes are wide and and so pretty I just want to sink into them. "How were you protecting me? You were lying. You lied to me." I don't know why I'm talking to her like she's real because she's not, she's not real. I made her up. "You were touching Jade the same way you touched me."

"I know," she says again, casting her eyes down. "Jade - she threatened me, she said if I didn't do what she said, she would tell everyone that I'm -"

"Gay? That you were with me? That you loved me?" I shove her because I can't take this shadow's eyes anymore, she needs to leave. "You broke it. You broke everything. You're not real. You are not real, go away."

"Cat, please, I just came here to say that I'm sorry. And I still love you, and I -"

"Go away, you're not real!" I slam my fists to my temples and roll away from her. The shadow touches my back again and I squirm, grabbing the nearest pillow and throwing it at her. "Go away! Go away go away go away!"

She chokes and I close my eyes and don't watch her as she leaves and for a while it's just me sobbing and me jumping off the Statue of Liberty and saying hello to the ground because that's better than this, it's so much better than this. And then I don't remember what happens, but my mom is next to me, sitting me up, and shoving a white pill in my mouth. The shadow told on me. The shadow told my mom. I'm going to lose this color. My mom stands there until I swallow it and makes me sit in the living room to make sure I don't puke it up and she flips on the TV and I stare at it without really seeing it and I can still feel the shadow touching me.

And maybe I didn't make her up.


	24. Chapter 24

**(Tori's POV)**

I knew it would happen eventually. I knew Jade would start telling people. And I thought I was prepared for that.

I was wrong. Because I really feel like puking right now.

Trina doesn't want to take me to school this morning. She said that my standing next to her would bring terrible fortune to her. I don't say anything because I deserve this. I just sit here and listen to her scold me and when we get to the school, she tells me to wait in the car for a few minutes before following after her.

So I'm sitting here, gazing out of the windshield, thinking about yesterday. Cat wasn't even there, it was just this weird shell where my Cat used to be. It scared me to see her like that. Her ruby hair was uncombed, her dark eyes were wide and unfocused and she was shaking so hard it was like she was seizing or something. I shudder at the way her voice cracked when she screamed at me, when she threw the pillow at me, when she ordered me to leave. And I didn't want to get her trouble, really, but I didn't have a choice, and I ran to her mom and told her Cat wasn't taking her meds. Mrs. Valentine didn't even question me, she just told me that I should go and disappeared upstairs with a bottle of pills in her hand.

I shake my head. I could worry about that later. I step out of the car and throw my gaze on the school. It suddenly looks just as much of a prison as East did. I swallow, take a deep breath, and march toward the school. I might have been weak at East, but that didn't matter. If they didn't like me for who I am, then I'd rather be friendless. I'd rather be alone than surround by people who like me for all the wrong reasons.

I break through the double doors and maybe I'm just paranoid but it's like every head swiveled toward me like an alert had gone off. I don't break my stride, simply walk right past them with my chin high. It's hard and it's scary, but this isn't East. I'm not at East. I'm different now. I'm stronger.

Right?

I swing open my locker and shove my books inside and I can hear people bustling past me and whispering. A group of freshmen nearby don't even try to hide their stares. I swallow again and shut my locker, nearly screaming in fear as Andre suddenly appears on the other side of the door.

"Jeez, Andre. Mind not giving me a heart attack today?"

"Sorry," he says, toying with one black braid. "So."

I freeze, staring at him. I like Andre. I really do. He's a great kid. I don't want to lose him as a friend. "So."

"Is it true?" He finally looks at me and I can't read his expression.

"Yes."

And his face breaks out in a _smile_. A smile! "Why didn't you tell me!" His arms wrap around me so tightly the air is squeezed out of my lungs and I stare at him in disbelief. When he lets go my jaw is wide open and he slaps it closed.

"We _are _talking about the me being gay thing, right?"

Andre laughs and hugs me again. "Yes. God, Tor, you could have least told _me_, then we could check out chicks together."

I push him back and meet his eyes, and my Lord, he's being honest. He means it. "You mean, you don't care?"

"Of course I don't care. Why would I?"

I stutter as the bell rings and he claps a hand on my shoulder. "I'll see you later. And if anyone gives you crap, come get me, okay?" He grins and walks away, clapping his hands. "My best friend is a _lesbian_. Yes!"

And I can't even believe what I'm seeing. I'm nearly late to first hour and when I slip in people stare. I ignore them, falling heavily into my desk, my lips pulled in a smile of disbelief. Andre didn't only accept it, but he seemed to really _like _the fact that I'm gay. I smooth my hair back and I feel like crying out of relief. I hadn't lost Andre. Which meant that I might not lose everyone, right? I lift my head and everyone turns away. God, it was like I had eight arms or something. I don't pay attention that hour or the next and no one says a word to me until lunch when Andre grabs me from behind and twirls me. I squeak and when he sets me down he grins, sliding into the lunch table.

"I punched a kid in the face for you," he says, pulling a sack lunch from his backpack. "He was calling you names so I taught him a lesson."

I blink, sitting down slowly beside him. "Really?"

"Yep. Some freshman. And I told him if he got me in trouble for it, I'd do it again." He squirmed in delight. "Man, this is just so awesome! I've never met a lesbian before."

I laugh and I'm surprised by how genuine it sounds. "I'm just like everyone else."

"Yeah, but you're a girl who likes boobs. I love boobs."

I laugh again and Robbie sits on the other side of me. "So it _is _true, then," he says, eye-balling me like he's never seen me before. And then he shrugs and moves to his sandwich.

"You guys really don't care," I say, and it's not a question, it's a statement that's still blowing my mind. "Back at my old school they - they hated me for it. Treated me like crap."

Andre shrugs, tossing his bag of chips at me. "Well, your old school sucks then. And don't worry about the homophobes here, we'll take care of them. Won't we, Robbie?"

Robbie snorts. "If it means me getting in some kind of fight - "

"C'mon, be a man."

Robbie glances at me and I pout, trying to hide my grin. "Please, Robbie?"

He huffs. "Fine, but if anyone breaks my glasses -" Rex suddenly peaks over his shoulder, the puppet waving a hand at me. "Don't worry,_ I'll_ take care of you." Rex starts humming at me suggestively and Robbie blushes, thrusting the puppet between his legs. "Don't listen to him, he's a horndog -"

I pat Robbie's head and let my head rest on Andre's shoulder. I was worried. I was worried for no reason.

I frown. That makes me feel even worse about the whole Jade thing. I made such a pointless sacrifice. I lost Cat because I thought I would lose my friends when they actually don't even care. I trace figures on my leg and then there's a gasp and I sit up a bit but don't have time to turn around when something cold and wet splashes on my head. I freeze and there's no sound for a long time and I watch the chocolate milk drip from my hair.

And it's begun.

The giggles start slowly and begin to pick up volume as I turn around and my eyes lock with Jade, who drops the now empty milk carton and lets it clatter to the ground. Her weight cocks on one hip and her hands rest there, smirking at me. "Faggot," she says, and it's like venom, and I'm the weak little Tori from East, and her glare is pulsing through me and the laughter picks up and I want to shrink into myself and fade away and then -

A blur of red, and Jade is on the ground.


	25. Chapter 25

**( Cat's POV )**

I don't swear a lot. Ever, really. The words just seem so dirty to me and I don't like it. But I can't help myself from at least thinking it. The word 'bitch' exploded in my head when I saw Jade stroll up to Tori and dump chocolate milk on her head. I stood there for a long moment, just staring, and I know Tori is real now, because the fear in her face when she turned around was so tangible I can feel it from where I'm standing and that hurts so much worse than anything else. Even more than the moment I realized Tori was messing around with Jade.

And when I hear the word "Faggot" slice off Jade's tongue, something ignites within me. Something bad.

I bolt across the lunch area, dodging tables, and I can hear them laughing. They're laughing at Tori. _My _Tori. And I am not going to have that. Because Tori is real and she can feel things just like I can, just like my medicine lets me, and I love Tori and everything is messed up but that doesn't mean I get to be crazy and possessive.

No one is even looking at me before I slam into Jade's body. I hear an 'oof' escape her chest as we slam into the ground and then my fist lands smack into her stupid little mouth, the mouth that threatened my Tori, that kissed my Tori, that hurt my Tori. And I raise it and bring it down again and again and then hands hook under my arms and lift me up but I don't want them to, I just want to beat that - that _bitch's_ face in until it's just a lump of red pulp.

"Is it my turn yet?"

I whip around and it's Trina holding me. She raises her eyebrows and lets me go, pushing the sleeves of her shirt over her elbow. Jade wobbles to her feet and I watch in a kind of weird awe as Trina steps forward. "No one dumps milk on _my _sister." And then Trina punches her. Hard.

I smile at that because it's just really nice for Trina to do that and then these beautiful eyes duck into my vision. "Cat?" Tori's eyes are wide in disbelief, running over my face. I reach out and snatch her hand because sometimes you just have to forgive some people and I love Tori and she makes me drawn to forgiveness.

"Wanna skip?" And my heart is going so fast, too fast, and I don't wait for her to answer before I'm all but dragging her off the school grounds. Behind us is the chants of a fight and it sounds like Trina's winning from here and, good, because I really hate Jade. I hate her for taking Tori away from me like that.

We run and run and I'm not sure where I'm going but it doesn't matter where I go because I can hear Tori's footsteps behind me and as long as she's with me, I don't care where I go. It isn't until my feet suddenly sink into soft woodchips that I stop, gasping, panting, gripping my side with my free hand and I can hear Tori panting heavily behind me. I squeeze her hand, suddenly afraid to let her go. I lost her once and when she was gone I was gone too, lost in the trap that are my thoughts, and I'm scared.

I don't say anything. I just drag her to the tower. She's wordless and that's okay because I know one of us has to start talking soon and that scares me. I duck into the tower and she follows behind me, holding tightly to my hand. I gaze at the drawings for a long moment and this is where it started, kind of, Tori and I. This was where she slept on my shoulder and I knew she would be mine, one way or the other.

I finally turn and look at her. Her hair is stuck to her face in streams of chocolate milk and she's watching me with this timid look in those eyes. Like she expects me to go crazy on her or something. I cross my legs and start to sit, pulling her with me. I refuse to let her hand go. I pull it in my lap and run my fingers over her smooth knuckles like I have a hundred times before, except she touched someone else with these hands.

I cringe.

"Cat."

I glance up and she's still watching me, offering her other hand. I take it because it's just instinct to do so.

"I'm not ... expecting you to ... take me back," she says slowly, and her eyes drop from mine like she's scared and weak and I don't want her to be. My grip tightens on her hands. "I know what I did was stupid and selfish and ... unforgivable ..."

"No it's not." She snaps her eyes to mine. "It's not unforgivable. Stupid and selfish, yeah. Mean, yeah. Painful to deal with, yeah. But not unforgivable." I look at her hands, at the soft chocolate skin and I try to imagine anyone else's hands there, anyone's. A pair of man hands with little curly hair on the back of the fingers, small hands, large hands, black hands, white hands - and all of them disgust me for even imagining them. Because the only hands that fit here are her's. Tori's. "I get why you did it. Kind of. I know you were scared."

"I still am."

"I know. But you didn't give in to Jade again." I squeeze her hands and look up. "And you knew she would tell the school."

"That doesn't erase the three months of lying I did to you." Her face twists into one of pain and guilt, looking away from me again. "That doesn't make what I did okay."

"I know it doesn't." And I do. I know what she did was wrong but it's Tori and I can reason with Tori. "But it _does _prove to me that you're sorry. It _does _prove to me that you've finally realized I'm worth ... social ridicule." I bring her hands to my lips and breathe in that familiar scent of her, the scent of Tori that is more permanent than my own. And then her hands are folding over my cheeks and pulling me towards her.

"You are," she says, and I like the way her voice sounds so determined and real and solid. "I'm sorry."

I crush my lips against hers because I can't just sit and stare at her sad eyes anymore. And I know she broke it but just because it's broken doesn't mean our trembling hands can't fix it. I still love her and this is something we can work on, this is something we can work past. I know that. She knows that. It will take a lot of hard work but I'm ready for that. You always are when you love someone. I'm lost in the heat of her lips for a long time and it's her that finally pushes me away, gasping for air. I am too but I don't care, I've gone far too long without kissing her and I push her back against the woodchips and straddle her and kiss her until I can't feel my lips anymore. I'm kissing Jade off of her and replacing her with me because these lips are mine and aren't up to be threatened.

Somehow, we stop, and we just lay there and stare at the drawings watching us. I'm still holding her hand. "I'm sorry I was crazy for a while."

"You're not crazy, Cat."

"I _was_. I didn't take my medicine. And it was scary."

Tori props herself up on one elbow and looks down at me, her eyes serious. "Don't do that again, okay? That was - it freaked me out, seeing you like that."

I look away. "I told myself you weren't real, you know. That I made you up."

Tori drapes an arm over my stomach and presses her lips to my pulse point and it feels good. "Don't do that again," she repeats.

"And it was weird because I liked it so much. Too much. I just - I just, I'm crazy, and I need that stuff to keep my sane or God knows what I'll do."

"Cat." She cuts me off, sitting up again. "Stop saying that. You're not crazy, okay?"

"Then what am I?" I glare at her because even though she's made me believe it before, having her away like that was too much for me. I went crazy. I went absolutely nuts and she knows it. And that's just further proof that I'm crazy.

She studies me for a long time, lips pressed in a flat line. "You're Cat," she says finally. "You're unique and beautiful and funny and a little weird, but you aren't crazy."

"What's my medicine for?"

"To keep you here with me." She touches my cheek and that touch is perfect and music to my skin, if that makes any sense. "To make sure you're always lucid and here with me."

I stare at her, lips pursed, because it still hurts to try and believe her. "Okay," I agree reluctantly. "But I'm going to need some more convincing, if you don't mind."

"What method do you choose to help me convince you?" Her eyebrows raise, two fingers walking up my chest.

"Kissing is always good."

"Cat, I love you."

"I know. Now let me get Jade off of your lips for good - I hope Trina gave her a black eye. _Two _black eyes."

"I can't wait to see her tomorrow. Trina's got quite the punch. Now." She takes my chin and steers it toward her, grinning at me and I love it so much I could just burst. "How about you shut up and kiss me so I can finally convince you that you're not crazy?"

_The End_

* * *

**AN**: I had so much fun writing this story and as much as I want to just write it forever, I know I have to end it at some point. Thank you so much for the support and the reviews. I hope you all liked it as much as I do. There will definitely be more Tori/Cat stories on the way, and I might even write a few Jade/Cat's to add to the oneshot I've already written. Anyway, yes, thank you for being so awesome.


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